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Monday, February 1, 2010

How do I stop? How do I continue?

Well, this round is a bust.  I feel like a broken record.  It seems like every month I am saying that this round did not work.  When is it going to end?  Am I just too stupid to give up?  I had told my husband about a week ago that if this round did not work, I was done. Then it did not work.  I just cannot keep hurting myself like this.   I sat and thought for a very long time.  I actually started bleeding at work, which then made me sob for a good half hour.  I thought that if I did not expect it to work this time, it would not hurt as much when it did no workt, or maybe it would work.  Well, fuck.  It still hurts like hell and it did not work.

  So now what? People often say to me, why dont you take a break cycle.  Well, I would, but my doctor says if I do then I would basically be starting all over again since I am on the highest dose of clomid right now.  Stoping means working to get my levels up all over again.  I do not know what to do.  My husband is wonderful and supports whatever I decide to do as I have to go through all the physical pain and grueling side effects.  I go to the Dr. tomorrow for a baseline ultrasound, then start clomid again tomorrow night.  I have not really decided what I want to do, I am just flying by the seat of my pants.  I will say that this has hit me really hard today.  I feel like I am falling deepr and deeper into a dark abyss and someone stole the ladder.  I know my husband is always there to come in and get me out, but I keep falling back in.

I want a baby more than I want to be able to breathe.  I want to be able to give my husband a child, his own child.  I want to be pregnant again and actually carry my baby full term.  I never knew that what that wanting this would be so hard and unobtainable.  How far do you go?  I have two more rounds on clomid.  If it does not work, then it is off to injectibles.  I am so deeply sad and so lost.

How do I stop?  How do I continue?

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