The First Step Is Admitting You Have A Problem!

So, I have a problem.  I am an addict.  No, not to food, drugs, or alcohol.  I am addicted to pregnancy tests.  There.  I said it.  I know, I am ashamed of myself, but I just cannot stop it.  I have done better this cycle, I have only bought one box of tests that contained two sticks.  Most cycles I take about 6 pee tests.

After going through so many rounds of IUI and clomid treatment, I know the ropes and know when I am not suppose to test and when I should.  Three days before an IUI, I take a trigger shot of HCG, which tells my ovaries to release an egg, or two.  Seventy-two hours later, I have the IUI.  A week after that, I take a booster shot of the HCG. 

HCG is what is produced once the embryo implants itself into your uterine lining and starts to develop the placenta, which is what showes up on the pregnancy pee sticks.  As you can imagine, if you are taking injections of HCG, it can show up on a pregnancy test and give you a false positive.  I have had false negatives and false positives both due to the HCG shots.

Research shows that for 10, 000 units, or 1 mg of HCG, it takes 1 day per unit to get out of your system.  The booster shot is only 5,000 units or 1/2 mg.  This stays in your system for 5 days or so.  That is why the Dr, makes me wait three weeks after the IUI to come in for a blood test.

I know the rules, but I also get swept away by hope and "magical" thinking.  It is almost like a game.  I know that if I test three days after the first HCG injection, I will test positive, and have.  A week later, I get my period, no baby.  I have also waited until 3 days afer the booster shot and gotten a positive and a negative.  It is this weird psychosis that I fall into about 1 week after the IUI.

My husband hates that I do this.  Once, on a walgreen trip, the parking lot was full so my husband let me out to grab what we needed.  While I was in the store I grabbed a box of tests.  I thought I was in the clear.  Then all of the sudden, I turn  around and see my husband walkking toward me.  He says, "Honey, I found a spot."  I shove the box behind my back knowing he has already seen it. 
He walks me back to the family planning aisle and makes me put the test back on the shelf.  I know he is right, I am torturing myself, which addes stress, which does not help getting pregnant. 

On Tuesday, I had an appointment with my OB.  Yea, I know, a bit presumptious.  However, I was there to get my yearly pap and to get some other tests done to prepare of a possible IVF cycle if I am not pregnant.  I love my OB.  She is amazing.  She has held my hand and wiped away my tears after both miscarriges.  She is uptlifting and very motivational.  I always feel better when I leave her office.

She asked me how I was feeling about this cycle.  I told her I really do not feel this cycle.  I am kind of just feeling like "whatever" because no matter how I feel it has nothing to do with the outcome.  I learned that lesson the hard way.

She said "Sounds like you are finally letting go and giving to god."  I thought about that for a few minutes, unsure if I was ready to let go of the control, or lack there of, that I have over this situation.  As I was driving out of the parking lot, the sun came out.  The last several days have been very gray, cloudy, and snowy.  It was as if God was telling me to let go and give to him.  I surrendered.  It felt amazing.  I  have been angry with God for some time now.  I thought I had passed his tests with flying colors, but he keeps sending me more.  A friend said to me "God has not been ready to give you a living soul, but I think he knows you are ready for it now." 

Perhaps all of this "testing" is happening to prepare me for motherhood.  For all the obstacles that may come with it.  Maybe we will have multiples and this is giving me strength to get through that.  I do not know what God's plan is, but I feel he knows that one of my purposes on this earth is to be a mother.

Whatever the case, no more pregnancy tests.  I have let go and given to god.  It is in his hands now.