It is Monday

And I have the blues.  Not just because it is Monday though. I am in the final stretch of the three week wait.  Most women have a two week wait, but my RE makes me wait three, due to the booster HCG shot I take one week after IUI's.  Everytime I go to the bathroom, I am expecting blood.  I mean, after all these rounds, that is what happens, right?  The last two IUI's I got my period two weeks to the day of the IUI.  Well, that would be tomorrow.  I think I will probably be in shock if I do not get my period tomorrow.

I know I surrendered to god last week, and I still plan on doing so.  I guess I did not realize that you cant just surrender once, it is a daily surrendering process.  The pain never goes away and the questions do not disappear.  I have become neurotic about the bathroom.  I dislike the bathroom, it is evil.  it is where I always find out I am not pregnant.  It is where I delivered my 2nd baby. It is where I prepare my injections, where I test for pregnancy. The bathroom use to be my place of relaxation.  Jump in the tub, well, okay, lower myself into the hot tub, grab a book and escape my reality for a bit.  I still do that, but it is not the same. Does not work as well as there are too many memories in there.

I know I need to breath and relax.  I know I have no control over what is.  I am already either pregnant or not pregnant, nothing I do can change that.