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Friday, March 26, 2010

Mile 5 of Our First IVF Cycle

Day five was not too bad.  I was extremley exhausted and had the morning headache, but made it through the work day. I bought some shoes after work and got a pedicure.  I am getting a massage tomorrow morning before our flight to Florida. 

The injeciton this evening was the first time it hurt!  Not sure what I did, maybe the angle was off, but Ouchie!  The tears come and go for no reason and the irritability is here.  So far I have been able to keep it somewhat on the down low.  I am sad because I have to leave my pooch with grandma and grandpa while we are gone and I am sickly attached to him.

But, I am very thrilled to get away for a week with the love of my life.  Lets hope the sunshine, relaxation, ocean, and mickey mouse can help us get pregnant!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Mile 4 of Our First IVF Cycle

Some may wonder why I have been referring to this as a run.  Well, the first day after I took this medication, I felt like I had ran several miles and was going to fall over!  Today was another rough day.  I did make it through work, although I went in an hour and a half late.  It was very difficult.  I could barely keep my head up long enough to look at my computer.  Looking at the words on the screen make me dizzy.  Around 5 p.m. it seems to get better.  I wonder if this is because the meds are wearing off and it is closer to my injection time?

Whatever it is, I am thankful for the respite.  I have not been sleeping well.  I will fall asleep and wake up every couple of hours.  And then it is really hard to fall back asleep because my husband is a snorer.  I wanted to go back to the pool this evening, but I had a therapy client so I did not have time.  I will try to go tomorrow, although we do have packing and errands to run before we fly to Florida on Saturday.

I want to say a little prayer for a fellow blogger and IFV sister.  Hillary has just completed her first mini IVF cycle and tested this evening at home.  The test was negative and she goes in for her beta tomorrow.  I will be praying for her and her husband as I know how hard and hurtful this can be.  So please say a prayer for them.

Mid Mile 4

Lord help me, I am fading.  I made it to work at 11:30 am.  I can barely think.  My head is in a vice.  I am so spacey and feel like I am floating.  I can barely make it through typing a sentance before my mind wanders.  I think this is normal on lupron.  I have read similar stories.  This is hell.  I keep trying to think of that little pink baby holding my pinky to get through this.  I really just want to go home and go to bed.  The tears are continuing, for no reason. I just feel sick.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Mile 3 of Our First IVF Cycle

Holy train wreck batman!  I woke up this morning feeling is though I was the train wreck.  I could barely lift my head off of the pillow.  My eyes were swollen and I had a hard time lifting my lids.  My neck hurts, oh my head.  My poor poor head.  This is only day three!  I have read that some felt like this in the early days of Lupron and then it got better.  It needs to get better so I do not loose my job for killing someone or not being able to go in because I cannot keep my head up!

The injections are nothing.  Except for afterwards, your skin burns and itches for about ten minutes, then it goes away.  I do not even bleed.  It amazes me that such a little amount of liquid can cause so much trouble!  Two more days till Florida.  I just want to escape with my hubby and forget all of this.
I had dreams of babies last night.  I had a dream I was nursing my own baby.  It was a sweet moment and I woke up feeling strange.  Of course that could be from the Lupron hangover.  I also watched a baby story on TLC.  The couple was from Chicago, where I am.  They had their first round if IVF and ended up with triplets.  Three beautiful little girls.

I use to think that I would only want one at a time.  To give each child the love and time they deserve.  Now, after going through what he have, I will take three!  I wont be greedy and will be very happy with what we get, but if we were to have twins or triplets, we could be done and just enjoy our family.

Here's hoping!

Ugh.  I will keep you posted!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Mile 2 of Our First Run to IVF

I took my second lupron injection tonight.  It no longer bothers me to stick myself.  I started having headaches last night and off and on through out the day.  I also started getting some minor cramping that felt like my ovaries were being squeezed.  I have mild breast tenderness, but that happens to me frequently, being as I am big busted. 

All in all, not too bad.  I was a bit nervous today, thinking of all the side effects yet to come.  I am working on letting that go.  I have made the choice to do this, I have to deal with the consequences and I cannot control them.  I went for a long swim at the gym tonight and that helped.  Oh, and did I mention the exhaustion hit me at about 5 pm. 

Onto Mile 3!

Monday, March 22, 2010

The race has begun!

I took my first injection of Lupron this evening.  The first injection I have given myself.  Surprisingly, I barely felt it!  I am not worried about the injections, until we get to the PIO or progesterone in oil shots.  Ouch!  I was pretty calm today, even though I knew I would start the meds.  I am praying for minimal side effects.  Hoping God remembers what I went through on the Clomid, and gives me a break.  I hope to do some acupuncture during this.  My chiropractor has also prescribed me weekly massages, so they are covered my insurance!  That will help.

I am actually feeling excited.  I know there is no guarentee and this may not work, but we are finally doing something different.  Our sucess rate is so much higher than when we were doing just IUI's.  I will keep everyone posted as we go along. 

We are going to Florida on Saturday for ten days!  We will be staying in Cocoa Beach and will be spending a few days at Disney.  I never went as a kid, so this will be fun!  Expecially since hubby and I never got a honeymoon.  Vacation here we come!  Lupron evils, stay away so we can enjoy our trip! 

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

F to the O to the double L....


We had our IVF consult today.  Everything is almost set to go.   We were truly blessed today.  Our Dr. office gave us three boxes of follistem.  This is a three thousand dollar expense!  It should be all we need for this cycle.  We just have to wait for the other four meds to come and those are costing around $760. 

I start taking lupron on Monday.  I am very nervous about this, as I have read so many scary stories about the side effects.  My nurse did tell me today that because I am only on it for two weeks, I should not have too many problems.  She also confirmed with me that those who take lupron depot, the injection that lasts one month, are the ones who have the most issues.  Phew!  And with the encouragement of a fellow blogger and IVF'er  I am going to try accupuncture to help with the stres and side effects from this cyle in hopes of increasing our chanees.  Thanks Bella!

It was a very strange process.  My hubby and I had to sign over who would get the embryo's if one of us died, or if one if we got divorced.  I get them if we divorce, which will never happen.  I know everyone says that.  But anyway, if one of us dies, then the other gets the rigths to the embryo's.  It was very surreal to discuss this!

I am also concerned about OHSS.  Ovarian hyperstimulation synderome for all you non IFers.  Because I have PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) I am at the highest risk for OHSS on the stims (stimulation drugs).  It is rare to have the life threatening reaction, but possible.  I know other women who have had this happen to them, on different levels of seriousness. 

A few more needle free days, then it is 6 weeks of daily, sometimes twice daily injections!

Thank you Dr. R. and Nurse R. for giving us that wonderully generous gift.  Because of this, we can freeze our extrta bambino-cysts.  Yes, I just made up that word! :)

Thursday, March 11, 2010

We thought it was over!

Last week was rough to say the least! On Monday, I called my insurance company to get the information we needed to start IVF. I knew it was going to be quite expensive, but I also knew that my insurance covers four rounds. I was optimistic until they hit me with the reality. They do cover four rounds of IVF; however, they only cover up to $10,000 per lifetime for any infertility treatments. We have already used $3200 of this. I had no idea. My IVF cycle will cost $14,000. Insurance will only pay about $6800. Medications are going to cost anywhere between $3, 000 and $4,000. This does not include the cost of anesthesia. Therefore, we would be looking at paying out of pocket $12,200. There is no way we can do that.

We have had such a rough couple of years. I was terminated from a job because I had a second miscarriage, even though I only missed two days. Therefore, we had to make up for that income for the two months I was unemployed by using credit cards. The day before I was to start my new job, our pride and joy, Casey aka, our dog, broke his back. We rushed him to emergency care and they had to do surgery right then and there. Now, I know many people would have put their animal down, but that was not an option for us. Casey is our first-born. He as saved my life in many ways. There is no way I was about to put him down when I knew he was only three years old and was going to be able to recover. It may take a year or more, but he would recover, and he is doing much better.

After spending two days sobbing and starting the process of grieving the fact that we will never have children, I call the receptionist at my RE's office. She tells me that amount does not sound correct. She asks that I give her one day to verify this. I told her ok, but if it is correct, I need a copy of my file ASAP! She said she understood and told me to call back the next day.

I called back the next day and got the surprise of a lifetime! She told me that my insurance covers about $7200 for the procedure. The Dr. then requires us to pay 20% of the balance, and he takes a hit for the rest! Therefore, the procedure plus the anesthetic will cost around $1900. However, that still does not cover the medications. When I mentioned this to the receptionist, she got quiet and said, "You did not hear this from me. When you go in for your nurse consult, ask them about donated meds." She said that was all she could tell me. I had read on the web that there are clinics that do take meds from couples that did not have to use them for whatever reason, and will give them to couples who cannot afford them. However, it is illegal in some states. I have no idea what the rule is in the state I live in, nor do I care.

I have learned that at this point in our journey of TTC, I will do whatever I have to do succeed. If that means using donated meds illegally, so be it! Some may gasp at this, but those who do have never felt the desperation of not being able to have a child. Some who have gone through infertility would probably gasp as well. If you are one of those people, you have the right to your opinion, but I do not care. We want a child more than anything and we will do whatever it takes short of doing something that will put us in prison.

That being said, we still have to find a way to come up with the rest of the funds. My mom has graciously offered to help us as much as she can and my mother-in- law said she would help as well. However, that does leave us short. I start my Lupron injections on 3-23 and have to have all of the money by that date. I have done some research because a interesting thought came to mind. I thought why not ask for donations? I would never have thought this would be something I would do. At first, I felt selfish. Perhaps god does not want me to have children. I do not feel that is the case. People ask for donations for many different issues. Cancer patients, medical bills, fancy vacations. Why not IVF? I know there is one documented couple that received the rights of being the "First" to fundraise for IVF. They received thousands of dollars from total strangers just by sharing their storey. Some may feel this is manipulating the system, some may think it is unethical. If you will give money to a basketball fundraiser, why not give money to us so we can have a little basket ball player?

We will be setting up a pay pal account on our website (We have currently taken it off the web to update it) We will share our story and let people know that they are welcome to donate to our cause. If this works for us, I am planning on setting up a non-profit to help other couples fund their infertility treatment. We donate for cancer, HIV, clean water the list goes on and on. Infertility is a disease, which encompasses many other diseases with it. We deserve the treatment and we deserve to be able to afford it.

Monday, March 1, 2010

The Wait is Over....For Now....

So long IUI, hello IVF.  Got my period tonight.  Now I am officially part of the IVF club.  Never thought it would come to this.  I want to cry but I am in denial.  I was looking at my potential IVF schedule.  Not going to be a good time!  I do not really have words to express myself tonight.  Just totally bummed and scared.  Now, instead of the waiting game, we have the anticipation game.  I am use to taking infertility drugs and use to the at home injections, but not quite to this extent.  Almost daily injections for 4 or more weeks.  I am going to be a black and blue pin cusion. 

Welcome to the IVF Ride.  Here goes nothing.

It is Monday

And I have the blues.  Not just because it is Monday though. I am in the final stretch of the three week wait.  Most women have a two week wait, but my RE makes me wait three, due to the booster HCG shot I take one week after IUI's.  Everytime I go to the bathroom, I am expecting blood.  I mean, after all these rounds, that is what happens, right?  The last two IUI's I got my period two weeks to the day of the IUI.  Well, that would be tomorrow.  I think I will probably be in shock if I do not get my period tomorrow.

I know I surrendered to god last week, and I still plan on doing so.  I guess I did not realize that you cant just surrender once, it is a daily surrendering process.  The pain never goes away and the questions do not disappear.  I have become neurotic about the bathroom.  I dislike the bathroom, it is evil.  it is where I always find out I am not pregnant.  It is where I delivered my 2nd baby. It is where I prepare my injections, where I test for pregnancy. The bathroom use to be my place of relaxation.  Jump in the tub, well, okay, lower myself into the hot tub, grab a book and escape my reality for a bit.  I still do that, but it is not the same. Does not work as well as there are too many memories in there.

I know I need to breath and relax.  I know I have no control over what is.  I am already either pregnant or not pregnant, nothing I do can change that.