tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-54428073177242663002024-03-13T05:36:13.051-07:00"Soul Cyster"This is a blog about the REAL side of infertility and miscarriage. Some topics are difficult to take in, but my purpose is to get people to become aware of this delicate, yet very hidden trauma.Jenifer Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08587222145608355591noreply@blogger.comBlogger41125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5442807317724266300.post-55792919316308377902011-04-20T17:13:00.000-07:002011-04-20T17:13:54.150-07:00It's been a long time! Part 2As you can see, the twins keep me pretty busy. I have not been back for over a month! Anyway, on with the story.<br />
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I was told that my C-Section was going to be at 2 p.m. but that it could be pushed back. That means, it will be pushed back! I waited all day! Finally around 4:30 p.m. I was taken to Labor and Delivery. I thought I was heading to the OR. Nope. Waited another hour. But, once we did the walk, I knew this was it!<br />
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I had already had a spinal with my cerclage surgery and it did not go well, so I was nervous. I found out that the director of anesthesia was staying to do my surgery. Thank god he did! He took great care of me. I was in and out the whole time due to my blood pressure dropping but the Dr. kept taking care of that with meds. <br />
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As soon as they put the blue drape up, everything came flashing back. The two losses, the treatments, the emotional up and downs, the monster feeling the medications give you. The dangerous pregnancy. It was all coming down to this. At 6:00 Logan, my baby boy, was pulled from my womb. At that moment I knew my dreams were coming true. It was also the moment I was able to breathe! Not only because my little guy was safe, but because he was out and his sister moved off of my lungs!<br />
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One minute later, 6:01 p.m., Lyla Jane was born. Because they were five weeks early, we did not see much of them. I saw to the side of me, Logan being measured. He weighed in at 6.1 and was 19 1/2 inches long. He was breathing on his own and looked to be doing well. Lyla was in the OR next to us, only due to limited space. My husband went to her right away. She weighed 4.3 and was 17 1/2 inches long. She was breathing on her own, but they were concerned she may need assistance. The nurses brought both babies over to my head an I was able to say hello and they were whisked away to the ISCU. <br />
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The rest of the story will be in part 3...babies are calling me. Thanks for being patient!Jenifer Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08587222145608355591noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5442807317724266300.post-4485629459501355302011-02-15T19:45:00.000-08:002011-02-15T19:45:46.029-08:00It's been a long time!I feel bad. I have neglected my blog and blog friends. I have not forgotten any of you and did continue to read your blogs. I had to stop writing for awhile. I needed to focus on protecting myself and my babies. I had a horribly difficult high risk pregnancy. Here is my gestational story:<br />
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The last time I wrote, I was still dealing with heavy vomiting in the first trimester. I lost 15 lbs. At 14 weeks I started to finally feel like myself again. At 16 weeks we were hit head on by an SUV. I was driving and my stomach hit the steering wheel. After a very scary ambulance ride and long afternoon in the ER, everything turned out OK. Three days later, I found out I had gestational diabetes. <br />
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All of this before I was even 20 weeks pregnant. I often thought that since we had such a hard time getting pregnant and staying pregnant, that once we hit the second trimester we would get a break. We never did!<br />
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At 18 weeks I was placed on complete bed rest. My cervix was funneling. I thought, okay, I can do bed rest. And I did. I followed every Dr.'s orders! I thought I was doing great. Until I went in for my 22 week check up. My ob sent me straight to the hospital. I was one centimeter dilated. <br />
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The scares never went away. I had an emergency cerclage put into place and spent a week in the hospital. An hour after the surgery I noticed my gown was wet. The nurses and doctors immediately rushed into my room to check me. They thought my water had broken. At 22 weeks if a woman's water breaks, you deliver a baby. In my case, twins. The twins would not survive. They informed me that if my water did break, at 22 weeks the would not be able to assist the babies in anyway. Luckily it was not my water! I was still completely numb from the spinal and could not feel my bladder. I had simply wet the bed. I have never been so excited to wet myself!<br />
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After spending four days in the hospital, I went home on bed rest again. A week later I went back to be checked. No change. Two weeks later, no change. Three weeks later, no change. The cerclage was holding. I finally started to feel relief. I will say that being on bed rest for months at a time does make one go crazy. But I would do anything to keep these babies. I was not going to lose anymore children!<br />
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So, my days came and went. The belly got bigger and bigger. Everything was going well. Until week 32. Ten weeks later and I am back in the hospital. I was 2 centimeters dilated with a cerglage sewn into my cervix. It was not holding any longer. I am rushed to labor and deliver. An hour goes by until I see the OB on call. When he checks me, I am three centimeters dilated. I thought "this is it, I am going to deliver these babies today." I was admitted once again to the high risk OB floor.<br />
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I was not having any contractions. The babies heartbeats were great. So, there I was, on hospital bed rest. I was told I was not going home anytime soon. I spent two weeks in the hospital this time. Only able to get up to use the bathroom and to take a five minute shower. These were some of the loneliest hours of my life. My blessed husband visited me every day after work and spent the night with me on the weekends. I never would have gotten through this experience without him!<br />
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When I reached 34 weeks, the doctors felt that it was safe for me to go back home to bed rest since the babies would be able to survive if born anytime now. I would have to come back every week until they were born to make sure everything was still going okay. One week after being discharged from the hospital, I go to my check up. Guess what happens...Yep, admitted again. This time for pre eclampsia! No joke! This pregnancy can get worse after all. I begged them to let me go home. They said no. I begged them to take the twins, they said no. I was almost 35 weeks. The twins would likely have to spend a few days in the NICU. But I had reached my limit. I was done. I wanted them out, I wanted this agony, this horrendous pain to be over with. They said no. They wanted to monitor me and if my protein levels got worse we would talk about a c-section.<br />
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After two days in the hospital my protein levels did go up slightly and my blood pressure was rising as well. Finally one of the high risk OB's decided it was time. His rationale was why are we waiting for me to continue to get sicker. I had to agree! December 8, 2010 was going to be the day! <br />
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To be continued....Jenifer Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08587222145608355591noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5442807317724266300.post-35317999011271943362010-06-09T16:58:00.000-07:002010-06-09T16:58:07.782-07:00Infertility Does Not Go AwayYes I a pregnant. Yes, I am having twins. Yes I have heard both heartbeats. No, I will never forget what it took to get here, nor will I forget that it can all be taken away in less than a heartbeat. I still have my days where I am sad. I always will. I will never get over the loss of my previous babies. <br />
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Most people do not understand that. Often people say to me, "Well, you are pregnant now, so why are you not ecstatic?" Seriously? Why? I will tell you why! I lost two babies. I went through a year of infertility treatments with no positive outcome. And then I had to sell my soul to go through the horrible road of IVF.<br />
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Yes IVF did work on the first try and I am so thankful. But until you have walked in my shoes, do not ask me why I am not jumping up and down! When I hold my twins in my arms, you bet, I will jump!Jenifer Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08587222145608355591noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5442807317724266300.post-65969625978016071162010-06-02T16:54:00.000-07:002010-06-02T16:54:36.421-07:00I am MIAI have been captured by the porcelain gods and expect to be in their care for a few more weeks. I will say that I was able to hear both babies heartbeats last Friday. It was the most amazing sound I have ever heard. I will be back, once I can keep my head up for more than 15 minutes without being summoned by the gods once again.Jenifer Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08587222145608355591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5442807317724266300.post-23461819052394714662010-05-18T20:34:00.000-07:002010-05-18T20:34:26.963-07:00Week 6I am six weeks and 2 days pregnant. I have spent the last five days in bed with severe stomach pain. I was able to go to work today. I went to the Dr. yesterday for a u/s and everything is fine, they are not sure why I am having so much pain. What a scary few days. Yesterday before my appointment I had a meltdown. I was in the kitchen and my sister was visiting. I started sobbing uncontrollably. <br />
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This u/s was to see if there was a heartbeat. Normally a woman would be excited. I was terrified. What if there is no heartbeat? After two years of pain and loss what if we end up losing again? I always new that there were no promises but it was really starting to feel unfair.<br />
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The appointment went well, and we are having twins! One sac is a bit smaller than the other 5mm to 4.7mm. The Dr. said that it is possible to loose the smaller one, but they both had heartbeats so everything looks good for now. I am worried for the little one. I want everything to be ok. I am frustrated that nothing can be easy. Cant I just have a normal pregnancy and have both babies be healthy? Is that too much to ask for?<br />
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So, we wait and I rest and take are of myself and try to manage going to work feeling so bad. I will keep you all posted. Thank you so much for your prayers and kind words!Jenifer Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08587222145608355591noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5442807317724266300.post-55876917747984096272010-05-12T11:34:00.000-07:002010-05-12T11:34:14.695-07:00I am here, I did not forget you allHi bloggers! I have been gone awhile. Not because I have forgotten my friends, just because I have been so tired and sick lately! I hope you all are doing well. Things have been okay around here. Besides all day sickness, which I am thrilled about! And there is the constant exhaustion yay! I really could not be happier about my horrible symptoms! <br />
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Of course I am just as scared as excited. I still do the blood watch every bathroom visit. I am not sure if I will ever feel safe in pregnancy. I am hoping by week 13 or 14 I will feel better. I find out next week how many babes are in there. I feel like there are two because I am sicker this time around, and I just have a feeling. I know being sicker could just mean a healthier baby, but I hope there are two.<br />
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I know it sounds greedy, but I want to be done. I do not want to do IVF again, I want to move on and live my life and build my family. Even though I am pregnant, not a day goes by that I do not think or feel the pain of the journey to get here. I always had a hard time with women how went through infertility and when the got pregnant they just disappeared. I realize you are thrilled and busy with a new baby, but what about all those other women who supported you while you were going through the horrible times?<br />
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I vow never to become one who disappears and no longer is there to support other women. The pain of miscarriage and this whole process never goes away. It may get better once you have a baby, but it will always be a part of me. I may be on and off blogger over the next few months, just because I am feeling so sick! But I am always thinking of you, and pray that you are doing well and things are going your way. I appreciate all of your support.Jenifer Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08587222145608355591noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5442807317724266300.post-17643659043047683772010-05-03T19:27:00.000-07:002010-05-03T19:27:35.912-07:00It's OfficialI am pregnant! I got my second beta today and it jumped from 41.7 on Friday to 157 today! Could not be happier! I am still very nervous as we know that I have not carried past 10 weeks, but I feel good about this one. I go back in two weeks for my ultrasound and hopefully there are two little heart beats flickering away!<br />
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Saturday I started getting sick. Today the exhaustion as hit in. I am four weeks along. I think with each milestone I will feel safer. Then again, do you ever feel safe after miscarriage? Time will tell. I want to thank all of you who have supported me along the way. I am not leaving, and just because I am pregnant does not mean I am infertile and I will not stop fighting for this issue.<br />
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I know from personal experience that it is hard to see fellow infertiles become pregnant. Even though we are happy for one another when we become pregnant, it still hurts if we are not. I understand that, so do not be afraid to be angry at me or feel like you need to distance yourself. I understand.<br />
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I will continue to blog on infertility as well as keep you all posted on my pregnancy. I have also been accepted to write for the Chicago Examiner, which is an online newspaper. Once my page is set up I will share it with you all.<br />
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Thank You!Jenifer Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08587222145608355591noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5442807317724266300.post-50330281572547688242010-04-30T16:30:00.000-07:002010-04-30T16:30:37.853-07:00Last Day of National Infertiity Week and my clinic did WHAT?I have to admit, I was feeling a bit guilty for not doing more for this special week. As you all now, I had two embryos transplanted a week ago, so that has kept my mind preoccupied. I did make sure to continually update my facebook status to spread the message, but I did not really act. Well, until today!<br />
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I have a confession. On Tuesday, I started POAS (peeing on a stick). I did this on Tuesday evening, Wednesday morning and evening, and Thursday morning. I knew it was way too early, but for infertiles it is one of those things. I was okay with the negatives, as I knew it was early. I came home on Thursday evening and had one more test left. I thought "What the heck?" It was positive. I was shocked! Again, I realize it is early. But, in 12 hours from getting a third negative, a positive. <br />
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Hubby and I decided we should get more tests just to make sure more are showing positive so it was not some weird fluke. I took two more last night and one this morning and they were all positive. The one this morning popped up with in 30 seconds. I will be four weeks on Tuesday.<br />
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Because of this news, I started to freak a bit. I have a blood clotting disorder that I did not know about with my last pregnancy and lost the baby. Once I saw that positive, the first thing I thought was I have to call the Dr. and get on Luvenox, which is a blood thinner that the Dr. was going to put me on after my first positive beta.<br />
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I called my clinic and asked to speak to a nurse. Instead of a nurse they gave my call to one of the medical assistants (no offense to anyone is an MA). I have dealt with this MA before and her name is Tracy. I had told the receptionist why I was calling and she told Tracy. The first thing she said was "Jenifer, you know you are not to test. There are reasons for this. A urine test is telling you nothing. I am not even going to tell the Dr. that you called." I lost it! This bitch! I started getting upset and said, "You cannot understand what it is like to loose two babies and now have an understanding of why. I will do anything and everything to keep these babies safe. I will not loose another one because I am not being heard." I livid! I explained to her again, I have a blood clotting disorder; I have taken three negative tests but now have four positives. I just want the luvenox. I even explained that I understand that it could be a strange false positive, but what is the harm of giving me a blood thinner to ease my mind? My original beta is on Tuesday, just four days away.<br />
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Again, I understand that it is ridiculously early. But, I just knew I was pregnant and I WILL do whatever I have to do keep these babies safe. Yes I keep saying babies, I think its twins. SO, I told Tracy thanks anyway, I will be calling my OB because she will actually listen to me. Then I hung up!<br />
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I was actually driving to work during this call and because I was hysterical I called my mom. I was able to calm myself down, I did pull over. Ten minutes later, Tracy called me back. She told me I can come in for an early beta but I must understand it could be negative. I said that is fine. I just want to be safe. So off I went. I was still pretty ticked off. One of the other medical assistants took me back and drew my blood. I asked to speak with her privately to voice my concerns.<br />
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I explained to her that all Tracy would have to of said to me was that waiting four days is not going to cause a blood clot. Instead, she was callous, abrupt, and rude. All I want is to protect my babies. Why is that so hard to understand? Lorita, the MA I was talking with, understood and said she would have handled it differently and who cares if you need to come in for an early beta to ease your nerves? She said that she would want to start the medication immediately as well.<br />
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With that conversation, I felt a bit of hope. This is not the first time I have had a negative experience with this office. If my Dr. were not the best of the best, I would have left along time ago. The staff that works in my clinic has never experienced infertility or miscarriage in their own lives. I know this because I ask. I truly feel that if you have not been through it, and you cannot be empathetic, and then get out! How dare you not listen to my concerns? How dare you treat me like a child? Who do you think you are, as a MA, to decide that my concerns to not warrant alerting the Dr?<br />
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So I fought today. And I won! I got my beta, and it was positive. That positive was such a great piece of "I TOLD YOU SO!!!" Medicine and science can never make up for a mothers intuition. And the fact that this is National Infertility Awareness Week and my clinic did not even know. They did not treat me with respect, they did not allow me my rights to my Dr. Instead, they shut me down, made me feel stupid and irrational, and reminded me once again how even in the reproductive medicine world, they too are insensitive and just plain do not get it. I fought for myself, and I feel like I fought for all of you. We deserve answers; we deserve to be listened to. Our fears are real and should NEVER be made minuscule.Jenifer Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08587222145608355591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5442807317724266300.post-44482560848169945262010-04-28T15:33:00.001-07:002010-04-28T15:33:13.001-07:00The Blood WatchMy fellows If’ers know what I am talking about. Every time I go to the bathroom, I am looking for blood. I am constantly worried whenever I pee, expecting that horrible red devil on the toilet paper after every wipe. It really is ironic how we spend the majority of our teens and young adult lives praying for the red devil to appear. We beg god to prevent pregnancy until we are ready and now I am begging him to make me pregnant. Sometimes I wonder if this is my repentance. “You will have miscarriages and bleed because I gave you the red devil when did the selfish deed.” That was god speaking by the way. Maybe it is just my guilt. <br />
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I realize I am supposed to be calm and Zen during this wait. How do you become Zen when you have lost two babies, gone through four IUI’s and just completed your first fresh cycle of IVF? I try to be calm, and most of the day I am. However, I go through spurts throughout the day that I am anxious. Then it is time to pee, yet again, and continue with Blood Watch 2010.<br />
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With every twinge my ovaries take<br />
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With every cramp my uterus makes<br />
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I pray everyday for their sake<br />
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A good mother I think I will be<br />
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I cannot wait to have them with me<br />
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-Jhope2010 Copyright All Rights Reserved<br />
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How crazy is it that just four days ago I had embryos placed inside of my uterus and I am already three weeks and three days pregnant. !Jenifer Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08587222145608355591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5442807317724266300.post-19961590923508297452010-04-24T19:15:00.000-07:002010-04-24T19:15:17.806-07:00TransferToday was amazing on so many levels. The night before, or morning, I did not fall asleep until 5 am. My alarm went of at 6 am. My husband was already in the shower. Usually he showers in his own full bathroom downstairs but we had some work done in that room. Once he got out, I got into a freezing, madening cold shower! I was not a happy girl! Needless to say I had some choice words for hubby.<br />
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Right before we left, I broke down and apologized. Progesterone has made me into a monster these days! Let alone the massive mounds of sore muscle on my butt joined with several scabs from all the injections. I just want this to be over. I thought I would be elated before hand. Excited that this was the final step in the IVF process. Maybe I was just exhausted and being the progesterone monster, but I was not excited.<br />
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I know some women are very elated on transfer day. But for me it was a reminder of all the things my husband and I cannot do on our own. You would think after two years of infertility treatments you would get use to that, but you never do. Everything in the IF world is purely scientific. It is not romantic. There is no foreplay. Well, unless you count foreplay as the doctor entering the speculum with jelly. There is no post coital bliss.<br />
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Once we were at the office and the embryologist came in to introduce us to our babies, everything changed. It was so cool to see those embies! Not many women get to see what it looks like when you and hubby make a life together until the baby shows up on ultrasound. It was a beautiful moment. The embryologist said our embryos were perfect for transfer. She said the two that were going back in could not be more perfect. There were two that did not make it, but four others are waitng to be cultured and frozen.<br />
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We were then walked back to the OR and recovery area. I did the disrobing and lovely gown, booties, and surgical cap application. I kissed hubby good bye and went to lay back onto the table, also known as the monster! Of course my bladder is completlty full in order to use ultra sound to guide the Dr. They tilt the bed almost entirely upside down. The procedure itself lasted about three minutes. The lab, which opens the middle part of a door by my feet, peeks in and asks me to state my name. Then they give the syringe with the embryos to the Dr. The Dr. inserts a catheter into my uterus and then uses the syringe to insert the embryos. Once that is done, I am left to lay upside down for 20 minutes.<br />
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While I was laying there, I started to realize what just happened. My body is now the home of two perfect little embryos hoping to bury into my thick warm uterine lining, to eventually become our children. Wow. It is strange, scary, unnatural, wondrous, exciting all in one. Once I was released from my bat like state I was allowed to pee! I have never been so excited to pee! I was reunited with my husband and given our discharge instructions. Bed rest for the rest of the weekend. <br />
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I thought I would have cried at some point during the procedure. I actually felt numb during the actual insertion of the embies. Your not allowed to talk or move. So I made sure I followed those instructions. Once we got home I texted our parents a picture of their grand babies. <br />
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Now the wait begins. We know there is no guarentee. The Dr. feels optomistic and says we have a good chance. But what is a chance, really? Life is chance, literally. With my first pregnancy I lost the baby because I had PCOS and was undiagnosed. After one round of clomid and IUI and metformin I got pregnant and lost at 10 weeks because I had undiagnosed thrombophilia and a blood clot caused the miscarriage. I am being treated for all of the above. My fear is, what is the third issue? <br />
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I find out on May 4th if I remain pregnant. I will be excited, but not outwardly so as I have to wait until 12 weeks before I feel calm about these babies. I pray that they both make it. I am using biofeedback to work on getting them to bury in and growig into a fetus. I am wishing on every star. I am doing anything and everything in my power to stay pregnant. Or as many fellow IVFers say PUPO. Pregnant until proven otherwise. So, I will go and rest, and enjoy being pregnant for the next 10 days.Jenifer Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08587222145608355591noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5442807317724266300.post-9300431090927103652010-04-20T21:14:00.000-07:002010-04-20T21:14:27.696-07:00My RetrivalWas yesterday. It went very well. The night before, I got little sleep. Partly because I was visualizing and meditating. After that I just could not stop thinking about everything. I have to say, I am proud of myself. I did well up until the day of the retrival. <br />
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Throughout this process (IVF) I have worked hard to remain calm and positive. I only had a couple of days where I had a melt down or felt really scared. Retrival day was a bit harder. I was excited, scared, and at times, numb. I never thought we would have to do IVF, let alone finally get to our retrival day. The worst part was that my surgery was scheduled at 1:50 pm, meaning I did not get to eat until last night! Of course because I could not eat, I wanted to eat that much more.<br />
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I held it together right up until I was getting ready to walk into the surgery room. I started to panic. Tears streaming down my face, hubby's hand in mine. I am not comletely sure as to why I was so upset. Maybe because we have been working for two years to get to this point? Maybe because this is a reality check that part of my womanhood is gone because I cannot have a child naturally with my husband.<br />
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I kissed hubby good bye and entered the room with the contraption. The bed, slash chair, slash monster that you have to be in for this procedure is almost comical! This is not your ordinary exam bed with stir-ups. The monster is shorter, stir-ups are farther apart and way higher!<br />
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There were about six people in the room. A couple of nurses, the nurse anesthetist, the doctor, and someone who was shadowing one of the nurses. It was a small room, so it felt a bit overwhelming. After I got into the chair and was draped in the appropriate places, this big, thick elaborate door opens up at my feet. On the other side is the lab. My nurse did a special knock that meant I was in place. Then the lab did a knock back letting them know they are going to open the door. They asked me to state my full name to verify I was who was providing eggs for them during this procedure. Then the door was closed and I fell asleep.<br />
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I do not remember leaving the surgery room or how I got into my recovery bed. I was in some pain. It was not the worst pain I have been in, but it was pretty uncomfortable. My ovaries felt like they had been in a vice and squeezed empty. I guess they felt that way because they were emptied! Hubby said I asked him the same question over and over again, which is normal as anesthia puts you in a state of short term memory loss.<br />
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After I woke up a bit, ate some animal crackers and sipped 7UP, they told us they got all follicles out and 9 eggs. I was rather pleased with that number. So was the doctor! I was released about two hours after I had arrived with a script for Tylenol with codeine. We came home and I feel asleep until the in laws came to babysit me while hubby went to a meeting.<br />
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I remember the evening going fairly well, a little bleeding and a lot of bloat and ovarian pain. This morning the nurse called to go over my symptoms and how my eggs were doing. Out of the 9, 8 fertilized with ICSI, normally. This is a great number! I feel very blessed to have this many embryos fighting for the chance to nuzzle into my warm thick lining and grow to be our child.<br />
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For now, we just have the twice daily PIO (progesterone in oil) injections and of course my daily meds, but no other injections! We will find out on Friday what time our transfer is for Saturday. All in all, myself and hubby feel great about the procedure and the outcome. We are excited and hopefull for our transfer on Saturday!<br />
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On a side note I am upset about something. I know there will always be a debate on when a baby becomes a life. I believe conception is when life begins. I do not want this blog to become a nasty debate, but simply want to share something with you. I was on the phone with my mother in law (mil). We were talking about how many eggs fertilazed I said "we have eight babies growing in the incubater." MIL said, "They are NOT babies!" The one thing I regret is not saying anything in response to this.<br />
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I am so angry that even mil would say something like that. If a person who has gone through two years of inferitlity, two miscarriages, just did IVF says she has babies incubating, you do NOT say to that person that they are not babies. You just DONT! Yes, she has the right to her own views, but she does not have the right to push them on me, and say it in an inappropriate manner.<br />
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I do have eight babies in the incubater. I also have two daughters in heaven. No one can tell me differently. Another thing that bothers me is what my mother said. I told her what mil said and she was a bit put off by that. She said "I am octo grandma!" I thought it was funny, but was grateful she understood that to me, those are my babies. Then she said "But you are not attached to them yet." Excuse me? Do not tell me how I feel about my embryos. They came out of me and my husbands sperm was injected into them. Yes, I am attached to them . Each little baby is growing, multiplying, just as it would if it were inside of me right now. If it were inside of me, no one would question being attached to it. Well, yes they would . There are people who feel you do not get to count a miscarriage if it happens under 12 weeks. But, you get my point.<br />
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People need to learn to shut up! You do not get to tell me my babies are not real, that I am not attached, that IVF is not natural. You know nothing until you have walked in my shoes.<br />
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Oh... and on Saturday, when they transfer two of those babies to the inside of my uterus, I will be pregnant. They may not make it, but those babies will be inside of me, trying to grow. If it happened naturally, no one would fight me on this! <br />
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*I do not write this blog to hurt my family members or anyone else. I write it to cope and to prepare for my book. My purpose in life is to help raise awareness of miscarriage and infertility and the psychology behind it all. My family consist of "those" who do not understand. I love them still, and do not have ill will towards them.*Jenifer Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08587222145608355591noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5442807317724266300.post-27215845074010892922010-04-13T19:03:00.000-07:002010-04-13T19:03:56.580-07:0024 Follies!No wonder I have felt like there is a grape fruit on either side of my uterus the past couple of days! I have also had the WORST migraine the last two days. I stayed home from work again today. Just going to my Dr. appointment really took it out of me. I am forcing myself to go to work tomorrow.<br />
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Dr. R has changed my meds a bit. I lower my follistem to 75 iu and add one vial of menapur each night. I am really starting to want this over with. The wait is killing me! I know once it is over I have the ttw but at least we will get to that point.<br />
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I am trying very hard to take it one day at a time. For those who know me personally, you know I am an anxious person normally. So going through this is rough, but suprisingly, I have stayed calm until these last few days. I go back to the Dr. on Thursday for another monitoring appointment. I am hoping he tells me we are ready to go. I am exicted to be stim and lupron free! Not so excited for the PIO shots though!Jenifer Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08587222145608355591noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5442807317724266300.post-63902411653191860252010-04-12T13:10:00.000-07:002010-04-12T13:10:29.573-07:00What mile is this?Ugh, I have no idea. I have lost count on what mile we are on. I have given myself three follistem injections and I am sick! I have a headache, my ovaries hurt, and I want to puke! I am good if I am laying down but once I sit up or walk around, I get a bit dizzy at times as well. I have cut my lupron dose down to half.<br />
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I know all of these side effects are normal, but because I have PCOS, my change of getting OHSS is higher. I go to the doctor tomorrow to see how the eggies are doing and see what the next step is. It will probably be to continue on for a couple more days and then get checked again. My ovaries are typically slower on the meds than other woman. It takes me a few more days to get where I should be. I am hoping that due to the way I feel, the meds are working.<br />
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It becomes more real everyday. I mean, hubby and I know what we are doing, but it does not seem real until you actually go through the steps. The what if's are starting to come up. What if I do get OHSS and my transfer is canceled. What if it does not work...that is the one that hurts the most. How will I react if it does not work? How will I find the strength to do this again? I realize that not all women have a baby after one round of IVF. But, some do. You never know where you will fall into place.Jenifer Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08587222145608355591noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5442807317724266300.post-65003470961476099372010-04-08T11:59:00.000-07:002010-04-08T11:59:26.770-07:00Anyone out there?I seem to have a lull in comments lately, and wanted to know if my story is getting boring? Or maybe my writing skills have declined while I am on these crazy injections. Or maybe it is all in my head because the injections make me loose my mind? Or maybe I offended someone with my beliefs or opinions. Or maybe it is because it is starting to get nice out and people are not blogging as much?<br />
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Whatever it is, I never meant to offend anyone, what I write is my opinion and my take on research and what not. So I hope you keep reading, and keep commenting, because getting your opinions and advice are very important to me! :)Jenifer Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08587222145608355591noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5442807317724266300.post-59212477439864191492010-04-06T20:01:00.000-07:002010-04-06T20:01:40.609-07:00Mile 15 On Our First IVF CycleI am so tired of always having to choose to have a job or to have a child. I had a meeting with HR today, which went really well and everything is fine. But, before the meeting, I was nervous and it made me angry. Why do women have to choose one or the other? I cannot help that I have PCOS, and infertility. I cannot help that the medciations make me ill at times. I cannot help that due to my disease, I have to be monitored every week and sometimes multiple times a week.<br />
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I love my husband more than anything on this earth and would do anything for him as well. However, he does not have to choose work or a baby either . I have no ill will towards him, my ill will is towards society. When will this country value family? If I got pregnant the "natural" way and carried to term, no one would even notice. But because I cannot and I have to go through serious medical treatment, I am put into jeopardy between choosing to have a baby or choosing my job.<br />
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My choice will always be to have a baby. My husband knows that, and my employer knows that. Thank god my current employer is not making this an issue. I am truly blessed with that, even though I hate my job! But my previous employer and other women have gone through similar issues with employers. If I had cancer and had to have treatment, no one would think twice. But infertility is not viewed as a medical condition. The need to have a child is not just desire, it is NEED! It is a biological neccessity. Yes, there are some woman who do not have that maternal instinct, but I do.<br />
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I am so frustrated and angry at this countries values! I will finish my book and get this message across. Society needs a big change on this issue! My insurance covers part of my treatment, does'nt that make it a medical issue?Jenifer Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08587222145608355591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5442807317724266300.post-75457701715759196452010-04-05T20:33:00.000-07:002010-04-05T20:33:47.468-07:00Mile 14 On Our First IVF CycleToday was rough, just because it was the first day back from work, and it was a 10 hr day. I also got a little scare. Most of you know that I was "fired" for having my second miscarriage when I worked for a community mental health center, working as a therapist and case manager.<br />
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Today I received an email from HR stating that I have a scheduled meeting to talk about my absences. When I first took this job, I spoke with my manager and told her about my infertility and said bluntly that if they were not willing to work with me on the time I will be away, that I would have to find other employment. My manager at the time was wonderful and told me that she believes that she was put on this earth to be a mother and would do anything to do so. She told me not to worry, I will not get fired for missing work for medical reasons.<br />
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That boss is now the director of my department. The email I received from HR sent be back to the way I was treated at my previous employer. You can read my previous blogs about the treatment I received when I first got pregnant and thereafter. I emailed my former boss, now director and asked her what was going on. I stated that she had told me everything was ok and I was not in danger of losing my job. She told me she spoke with my now manager who was the assistant. I went and saw him and he said it is just a formality and they want some documentation about my treatment, but I am in no danger of being fired.<br />
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I can understand needing documentation, and have no problem with that. However, I always provide my manager with this. My manager stated that HR legally has to do this when someone has dock time but cannot fire me due to medical reasons. So, I have the meeting tomorrow, and I am a little nervous, but know that I am ok.<br />
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No matter what happens, my husband and I talked this out before I started this job and agreed that these treatments were more important than anything else and it is worth the risk. But I still have to put food on the table. I am trying not to be stressed about this, and am no longer freaking out, but it did take the wind out of me for a bit!<br />
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As for the side effects, I have started my period, which the DR. said may happen. And of course it is a bad one! Cramps, bloat, tired, sore everywhere! But I can handle it. Nothing I have not done before.Jenifer Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08587222145608355591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5442807317724266300.post-48955071765064391682010-04-04T20:19:00.000-07:002010-04-04T20:19:52.687-07:00Back from FloridaWe are now on mile 13 of our first IVF cycle. Hubby and I had a wonderful time in Cocoa Beach, FL. It was just what we needed. I will say that a vacation while on lupron injections is interesting! I did have some side effects, but I did not let those get in our way. I had moderate stomach pains on and off, bruising on my abdomen, hot flashes, breast tenderness, joint pain, and insomnia. <br />
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I have been getting really good at giving myself injections in strange places! For three days we went to Disney, the other three days we spent on the beach. While at The Magic Kingdom, we were waiting for the fireworks to start. There I sat in a crowd of strangers and shot time came around. Hubby used his cell phone light so I could prepare the shot and myself. I lifted up my shirt, exposing my belly and plugged away. I really do not think anyone noticed. But, it hit me that we truly will do anything to have a baby!<br />
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I have suprisingly been calm during this two weeks of lupron. I start my stimulation injections later this week, while lowering my lupron dose to half. We are about two to three weeks away from the first surgery, depending on my ovaries. I am hopeful some days, and other days I am just in plain denial.<br />
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Work tomorrow. Ugh! A Monday after vacation is going to be rough!Jenifer Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08587222145608355591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5442807317724266300.post-36917104310394829582010-03-26T19:46:00.000-07:002010-03-26T19:46:16.822-07:00Mile 5 of Our First IVF CycleDay five was not too bad. I was extremley exhausted and had the morning headache, but made it through the work day. I bought some shoes after work and got a pedicure. I am getting a massage tomorrow morning before our flight to Florida. <br />
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The injeciton this evening was the first time it hurt! Not sure what I did, maybe the angle was off, but Ouchie! The tears come and go for no reason and the irritability is here. So far I have been able to keep it somewhat on the down low. I am sad because I have to leave my pooch with grandma and grandpa while we are gone and I am sickly attached to him.<br />
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But, I am very thrilled to get away for a week with the love of my life. Lets hope the sunshine, relaxation, ocean, and mickey mouse can help us get pregnant!Jenifer Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08587222145608355591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5442807317724266300.post-62236242486999760482010-03-25T20:13:00.000-07:002010-03-25T20:13:28.190-07:00Mile 4 of Our First IVF CycleSome may wonder why I have been referring to this as a run. Well, the first day after I took this medication, I felt like I had ran several miles and was going to fall over! Today was another rough day. I did make it through work, although I went in an hour and a half late. It was very difficult. I could barely keep my head up long enough to look at my computer. Looking at the words on the screen make me dizzy. Around 5 p.m. it seems to get better. I wonder if this is because the meds are wearing off and it is closer to my injection time?<br />
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Whatever it is, I am thankful for the respite. I have not been sleeping well. I will fall asleep and wake up every couple of hours. And then it is really hard to fall back asleep because my husband is a snorer. I wanted to go back to the pool this evening, but I had a therapy client so I did not have time. I will try to go tomorrow, although we do have packing and errands to run before we fly to Florida on Saturday.<br />
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I want to say a little prayer for a fellow blogger and IFV sister. Hillary has just completed her first mini IVF cycle and tested this evening at home. The test was negative and she goes in for her beta tomorrow. I will be praying for her and her husband as I know how hard and hurtful this can be. So please say a prayer for them.Jenifer Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08587222145608355591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5442807317724266300.post-67779959151958823412010-03-25T11:58:00.000-07:002010-03-25T11:58:58.054-07:00Mid Mile 4Lord help me, I am fading. I made it to work at 11:30 am. I can barely think. My head is in a vice. I am so spacey and feel like I am floating. I can barely make it through typing a sentance before my mind wanders. I think this is normal on lupron. I have read similar stories. This is hell. I keep trying to think of that little pink baby holding my pinky to get through this. I really just want to go home and go to bed. The tears are continuing, for no reason. I just feel sick.Jenifer Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08587222145608355591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5442807317724266300.post-91177533664134190142010-03-24T20:29:00.000-07:002010-03-24T20:29:19.009-07:00Mile 3 of Our First IVF CycleHoly train wreck batman! I woke up this morning feeling is though I was the train wreck. I could barely lift my head off of the pillow. My eyes were swollen and I had a hard time lifting my lids. My neck hurts, oh my head. My poor poor head. This is only day three! I have read that some felt like this in the early days of Lupron and then it got better. It needs to get better so I do not loose my job for killing someone or not being able to go in because I cannot keep my head up!<br />
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The injections are nothing. Except for afterwards, your skin burns and itches for about ten minutes, then it goes away. I do not even bleed. It amazes me that such a little amount of liquid can cause so much trouble! Two more days till Florida. I just want to escape with my hubby and forget all of this.<br />
I had dreams of babies last night. I had a dream I was nursing my own baby. It was a sweet moment and I woke up feeling strange. Of course that could be from the Lupron hangover. I also watched a baby story on TLC. The couple was from Chicago, where I am. They had their first round if IVF and ended up with triplets. Three beautiful little girls. <br />
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I use to think that I would only want one at a time. To give each child the love and time they deserve. Now, after going through what he have, I will take three! I wont be greedy and will be very happy with what we get, but if we were to have twins or triplets, we could be done and just enjoy our family.<br />
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Here's hoping!<br />
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Ugh. I will keep you posted!Jenifer Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08587222145608355591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5442807317724266300.post-68898376023777664092010-03-23T21:22:00.000-07:002010-03-23T21:22:05.368-07:00Mile 2 of Our First Run to IVFI took my second lupron injection tonight. It no longer bothers me to stick myself. I started having headaches last night and off and on through out the day. I also started getting some minor cramping that felt like my ovaries were being squeezed. I have mild breast tenderness, but that happens to me frequently, being as I am big busted. <br />
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All in all, not too bad. I was a bit nervous today, thinking of all the side effects yet to come. I am working on letting that go. I have made the choice to do this, I have to deal with the consequences and I cannot control them. I went for a long swim at the gym tonight and that helped. Oh, and did I mention the exhaustion hit me at about 5 pm. <br />
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Onto Mile 3!Jenifer Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08587222145608355591noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5442807317724266300.post-18967608534817792702010-03-22T20:58:00.000-07:002010-03-22T20:58:57.713-07:00The race has begun!I took my first injection of Lupron this evening. The first injection I have given myself. Surprisingly, I barely felt it! I am not worried about the injections, until we get to the PIO or progesterone in oil shots. Ouch! I was pretty calm today, even though I knew I would start the meds. I am praying for minimal side effects. Hoping God remembers what I went through on the Clomid, and gives me a break. I hope to do some acupuncture during this. My chiropractor has also prescribed me weekly massages, so they are covered my insurance! That will help.<br />
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I am actually feeling excited. I know there is no guarentee and this may not work, but we are finally doing something different. Our sucess rate is so much higher than when we were doing just IUI's. I will keep everyone posted as we go along. <br />
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We are going to Florida on Saturday for ten days! We will be staying in Cocoa Beach and will be spending a few days at Disney. I never went as a kid, so this will be fun! Expecially since hubby and I never got a honeymoon. Vacation here we come! Lupron evils, stay away so we can enjoy our trip! Jenifer Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08587222145608355591noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5442807317724266300.post-10636821819195905612010-03-17T21:04:00.000-07:002010-03-17T21:04:14.507-07:00F to the O to the double L....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_jxYT8wdRw4o/S6GmMHmgsbI/AAAAAAAAACA/n2ivq0Qa36I/s1600-h/foll.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_jxYT8wdRw4o/S6GmMHmgsbI/AAAAAAAAACA/n2ivq0Qa36I/s320/foll.jpg" /></a></div>Follistem!<br />
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We had our IVF consult today. Everything is almost set to go. We were truly blessed today. Our Dr. office gave us three boxes of follistem. This is a three thousand dollar expense! It should be all we need for this cycle. We just have to wait for the other four meds to come and those are costing around $760. <br />
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I start taking lupron on Monday. I am very nervous about this, as I have read so many scary stories about the side effects. My nurse did tell me today that because I am only on it for two weeks, I should not have too many problems. She also confirmed with me that those who take lupron depot, the injection that lasts one month, are the ones who have the most issues. Phew! And with the encouragement of a fellow blogger and IVF'er I am going to try accupuncture to help with the stres and side effects from this cyle in hopes of increasing our chanees. Thanks Bella!<br />
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It was a very strange process. My hubby and I had to sign over who would get the embryo's if one of us died, or if one if we got divorced. I get them if we divorce, which will never happen. I know everyone says that. But anyway, if one of us dies, then the other gets the rigths to the embryo's. It was very surreal to discuss this!<br />
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I am also concerned about OHSS. Ovarian hyperstimulation synderome for all you non IFers. Because I have PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) I am at the highest risk for OHSS on the stims (stimulation drugs). It is rare to have the life threatening reaction, but possible. I know other women who have had this happen to them, on different levels of seriousness. <br />
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A few more needle free days, then it is 6 weeks of daily, sometimes twice daily injections!<br />
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Thank you Dr. R. and Nurse R. for giving us that wonderully generous gift. Because of this, we can freeze our extrta bambino-cysts. Yes, I just made up that word! :)Jenifer Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08587222145608355591noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5442807317724266300.post-25972897028998988462010-03-11T11:50:00.000-08:002010-03-11T11:50:01.934-08:00We thought it was over!Last week was rough to say the least! On Monday, I called my insurance company to get the information we needed to start IVF. I knew it was going to be quite expensive, but I also knew that my insurance covers four rounds. I was optimistic until they hit me with the reality. They do cover four rounds of IVF; however, they only cover up to $10,000 per lifetime for any infertility treatments. We have already used $3200 of this. I had no idea. My IVF cycle will cost $14,000. Insurance will only pay about $6800. Medications are going to cost anywhere between $3, 000 and $4,000. This does not include the cost of anesthesia. Therefore, we would be looking at paying out of pocket $12,200. There is no way we can do that. <br />
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We have had such a rough couple of years. I was terminated from a job because I had a second miscarriage, even though I only missed two days. Therefore, we had to make up for that income for the two months I was unemployed by using credit cards. The day before I was to start my new job, our pride and joy, Casey aka, our dog, broke his back. We rushed him to emergency care and they had to do surgery right then and there. Now, I know many people would have put their animal down, but that was not an option for us. Casey is our first-born. He as saved my life in many ways. There is no way I was about to put him down when I knew he was only three years old and was going to be able to recover. It may take a year or more, but he would recover, and he is doing much better.<br />
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After spending two days sobbing and starting the process of grieving the fact that we will never have children, I call the receptionist at my RE's office. She tells me that amount does not sound correct. She asks that I give her one day to verify this. I told her ok, but if it is correct, I need a copy of my file ASAP! She said she understood and told me to call back the next day.<br />
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I called back the next day and got the surprise of a lifetime! She told me that my insurance covers about $7200 for the procedure. The Dr. then requires us to pay 20% of the balance, and he takes a hit for the rest! Therefore, the procedure plus the anesthetic will cost around $1900. However, that still does not cover the medications. When I mentioned this to the receptionist, she got quiet and said, "You did not hear this from me. When you go in for your nurse consult, ask them about donated meds." She said that was all she could tell me. I had read on the web that there are clinics that do take meds from couples that did not have to use them for whatever reason, and will give them to couples who cannot afford them. However, it is illegal in some states. I have no idea what the rule is in the state I live in, nor do I care.<br />
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I have learned that at this point in our journey of TTC, I will do whatever I have to do succeed. If that means using donated meds illegally, so be it! Some may gasp at this, but those who do have never felt the desperation of not being able to have a child. Some who have gone through infertility would probably gasp as well. If you are one of those people, you have the right to your opinion, but I do not care. We want a child more than anything and we will do whatever it takes short of doing something that will put us in prison.<br />
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That being said, we still have to find a way to come up with the rest of the funds. My mom has graciously offered to help us as much as she can and my mother-in- law said she would help as well. However, that does leave us short. I start my Lupron injections on 3-23 and have to have all of the money by that date. I have done some research because a interesting thought came to mind. I thought why not ask for donations? I would never have thought this would be something I would do. At first, I felt selfish. Perhaps god does not want me to have children. I do not feel that is the case. People ask for donations for many different issues. Cancer patients, medical bills, fancy vacations. Why not IVF? I know there is one documented couple that received the rights of being the "First" to fundraise for IVF. They received thousands of dollars from total strangers just by sharing their storey. Some may feel this is manipulating the system, some may think it is unethical. If you will give money to a basketball fundraiser, why not give money to us so we can have a little basket ball player?<br />
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We will be setting up a pay pal account on our website www.jeniandtrevor.com. (We have currently taken it off the web to update it) We will share our story and let people know that they are welcome to donate to our cause. If this works for us, I am planning on setting up a non-profit to help other couples fund their infertility treatment. We donate for cancer, HIV, clean water the list goes on and on. Infertility is a disease, which encompasses many other diseases with it. We deserve the treatment and we deserve to be able to afford it.Jenifer Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08587222145608355591noreply@blogger.com3