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Thursday, February 11, 2010

Where are they?

Tears, where are the tears?  This week has been hell.  I am filled with rage and exhaustion.  There have been many occasions where I thought, "This is it, I am going to loose control today!"  I was afraid I was going to punch  a co worker, or scream obcentities at them.  But I cannot cry.  I want to cry so badly but the tears will not come. 

I am on cycle day 10.  I had an ultra sound on Tuesday and have one lead follicle on each side, both measured at 10.  For those of you who do not know what that means, they are measuring at 10 millimeters.  They need to be closer to 20 in order to be viable.  My ovaries have always been slow.  I usually take a few more days than other women for my eggs to grow.  I go back on Saturday for another ultra sound and with luck, a fourth IUI on Monday. 

I hate my full time job.  I have three jobs, but the one I spend my most time on sucks.  I hate being micromanaged.  I hate not using my brain.  I hate doing the same thing over and over again.  I hate it.  I do not know how much longer I can stand it before I do loose control and assault a co worker or scream obscenities at them and get fired.  I need the money, I like my house and do not want to loose it.  But I cannot stand this job for much longer.

I want to cry, but the tears will not come.


  1. Jen, I have the tears that you lack... I think I have cried enough for both of us this week! I appreciate you reading and commenting on my blog and I am even happier to support you on your blog.

    I am here for you and always will be!!

    P.S. Thanks for the nomination too :)

    All my love and sisterhood!

  2. Thank you! I needed that. It does help to know there are women like you out there to hold my hand through cyberspace! I will hold yours anytime you need!

  3. When you wrote "I want to cry, but the tears will not come."... WOW... I've felt that way sooo many times... you're not alone... don't give up....when you do have a baby... you'll appreciate him/her that much more...we're all here for you...