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Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Research can make me scared!

I went to the Dr. yesterday.  I did not see him, I saw his nurse.  This was fine because I was just having a baseline ultrasound.  I confirmed with her that I NEVER want the other Dr. in the office with in 5 ft. of me.  She said she understood and they will respect that. 

She was a bit confused though.  The last time I spoke with R I told her I was not sure I could handle another round of clomid.  She agreed that I was not responding as I should and with my vision issues, I should probably not continue.  I spoke with the doctor a few days after speaking with R and he said, we can stop if you like, but I am not totally comfortable moving on to more invasive treatments yet. 

So, back to yesterday.  I thought long and hard, did some soul searching and decided I will do this round.  This, I think will be my last round of clomid.  I started doing more research on the vision affects.  I need to stop doing that!  I have read many conflicting stories.  Some reports say that it is serious side effect mot MOSTLY goes away after treatment.  There are those rare cases where the vision damage is permanent and one woman had to have retinal surgery.

If you know me, you know I am obsessed with side effects.  I have been on some serious medication, besides ferility meds.  I have been on Rifampin as I was exposed to TB.  I was on that for several months and it was not a fun drug.  I read the warnings on everything.   Now I am paranoid about continuing with clomid.  I took my first dose for this round last night.  I woke up this morning with the usual clomid migraine.  My vision is a bit blurry and I know it is just going to get worse.

Before I took the pills last night, I stared at them for a good 20 minutes.  I think what I am conteplating is the side effects of the medication as well as the loss of another dead end round.  I am truly struggling right now.  Part of me does not want to take my next dose.  But if I do not, then I for sure will not get pregnant this month.  All of this is really starting to wear me down.  I am starting to become numb to everything else that is going on in my life.  I still feel hurt, oh how I feel the hurt.  But I cannot seem to get out of this clomid bubble.

I want out. But I want my babies with me.  I have really been missing them lately.  Why did they have to be taken away from me?  Our first would be turning one year old in a few weeks.  Maybe that is what is triggering all of this now.  Even if I do get pregnant, there are no gaurentee's that I will carry the baby to term. 

Some days I feel like I should end this dream.  Move on.  I know it has only been a year and a half of treatments.  But it has felt like so much longer.  Maybe if I give up, it will not hurt anymore.  If I stop, will the desire to have a child disappear?


  1. Sweetheart, I really don't think if you stop trying you will lose to desire to have a child. That just won't happen. You'll kick yourself in the butt. We put ourselves through so much pain and embarassment to try to get pregnant that it eventually catches up to us and we wonder what the hell we're doing. The end result will be worth it.

    I too read into side effects too much but luckily didn't have any from the Clomid besides hot flashes.

    My dr is encouraging me to move on to more invasive treatments and I'm trying to hold onto Clomid longer. Basically the complete opposite of your situation. I'm scared to think it's going to take something more invasive and of course the cost is an issue at this time, too. It's all such a mess. TTC is not fun. But you must remain positive!

    I hope this will make you feel better, I've nominated you for an award. Stop by here to pick it up!

  2. Thank you for the award! I appreciate it!