Good Bye IUI

On Tuesday, I had my last IUI.  It feels bitter sweet.  I am thouroghly exicted to never have to take clomid ever again.  But, I am also sad and nervous that this IUI will not take and we will have to move on to IVF.  The doc agreed that this is the last IUI ( I refused to do another round of clomid no matter what) and he feels if this round does not work, we need to start IVF. I know IVF has the highest success rate, especially with women my age.  But, it is a lot of work, medication, and two surgical procedures and there is no gaurentee. 

It amazes me what women will do to their bodies to achieve the goal of having a child.  I am amazed at myself when I look back and realize all that I have had to endure physically and emotionally and still do not have that bundle of joy in my arms.  I am not ready to give up the fight.  I will go on to IVF.  But what if that does not work?  What then?  We are not wanting to adopt.  I praise those who do adopt children, but it just is not the right choice for us.  So, I guess that means if it does not work, then we have to put this all behind us and walk away.  If only it were that easy. 

It truly feels like we are closing one chapter and opening up a new one.  As you can probably tell, I am not hopeful that this IUI is going to work.  I have learned that being hopefull does not make a difference and not having hope has the same results as having hope, so whats the point.  I reserve the right to be miserable through this two week wait.  I know I will get my period two weeks from Tuesday which is what always happens.  I know I will have to go through another round of grieving yet another loss.  But, I will pick myself up and I will walk toward IVF and I will do whatever it takes, whatever I can, no matter what.