The First Step Is Admitting You Have A Problem!

So, I have a problem.  I am an addict.  No, not to food, drugs, or alcohol.  I am addicted to pregnancy tests.  There.  I said it.  I know, I am ashamed of myself, but I just cannot stop it.  I have done better this cycle, I have only bought one box of tests that contained two sticks.  Most cycles I take about 6 pee tests.

After going through so many rounds of IUI and clomid treatment, I know the ropes and know when I am not suppose to test and when I should.  Three days before an IUI, I take a trigger shot of HCG, which tells my ovaries to release an egg, or two.  Seventy-two hours later, I have the IUI.  A week after that, I take a booster shot of the HCG. 

HCG is what is produced once the embryo implants itself into your uterine lining and starts to develop the placenta, which is what showes up on the pregnancy pee sticks.  As you can imagine, if you are taking injections of HCG, it can show up on a pregnancy test and give you a false positive.  I have had false negatives and false positives both due to the HCG shots.

Research shows that for 10, 000 units, or 1 mg of HCG, it takes 1 day per unit to get out of your system.  The booster shot is only 5,000 units or 1/2 mg.  This stays in your system for 5 days or so.  That is why the Dr, makes me wait three weeks after the IUI to come in for a blood test.

I know the rules, but I also get swept away by hope and "magical" thinking.  It is almost like a game.  I know that if I test three days after the first HCG injection, I will test positive, and have.  A week later, I get my period, no baby.  I have also waited until 3 days afer the booster shot and gotten a positive and a negative.  It is this weird psychosis that I fall into about 1 week after the IUI.

My husband hates that I do this.  Once, on a walgreen trip, the parking lot was full so my husband let me out to grab what we needed.  While I was in the store I grabbed a box of tests.  I thought I was in the clear.  Then all of the sudden, I turn  around and see my husband walkking toward me.  He says, "Honey, I found a spot."  I shove the box behind my back knowing he has already seen it. 
He walks me back to the family planning aisle and makes me put the test back on the shelf.  I know he is right, I am torturing myself, which addes stress, which does not help getting pregnant. 

On Tuesday, I had an appointment with my OB.  Yea, I know, a bit presumptious.  However, I was there to get my yearly pap and to get some other tests done to prepare of a possible IVF cycle if I am not pregnant.  I love my OB.  She is amazing.  She has held my hand and wiped away my tears after both miscarriges.  She is uptlifting and very motivational.  I always feel better when I leave her office.

She asked me how I was feeling about this cycle.  I told her I really do not feel this cycle.  I am kind of just feeling like "whatever" because no matter how I feel it has nothing to do with the outcome.  I learned that lesson the hard way.

She said "Sounds like you are finally letting go and giving to god."  I thought about that for a few minutes, unsure if I was ready to let go of the control, or lack there of, that I have over this situation.  As I was driving out of the parking lot, the sun came out.  The last several days have been very gray, cloudy, and snowy.  It was as if God was telling me to let go and give to him.  I surrendered.  It felt amazing.  I  have been angry with God for some time now.  I thought I had passed his tests with flying colors, but he keeps sending me more.  A friend said to me "God has not been ready to give you a living soul, but I think he knows you are ready for it now." 

Perhaps all of this "testing" is happening to prepare me for motherhood.  For all the obstacles that may come with it.  Maybe we will have multiples and this is giving me strength to get through that.  I do not know what God's plan is, but I feel he knows that one of my purposes on this earth is to be a mother.

Whatever the case, no more pregnancy tests.  I have let go and given to god.  It is in his hands now.

Good Bye IUI

On Tuesday, I had my last IUI.  It feels bitter sweet.  I am thouroghly exicted to never have to take clomid ever again.  But, I am also sad and nervous that this IUI will not take and we will have to move on to IVF.  The doc agreed that this is the last IUI ( I refused to do another round of clomid no matter what) and he feels if this round does not work, we need to start IVF. I know IVF has the highest success rate, especially with women my age.  But, it is a lot of work, medication, and two surgical procedures and there is no gaurentee. 

It amazes me what women will do to their bodies to achieve the goal of having a child.  I am amazed at myself when I look back and realize all that I have had to endure physically and emotionally and still do not have that bundle of joy in my arms.  I am not ready to give up the fight.  I will go on to IVF.  But what if that does not work?  What then?  We are not wanting to adopt.  I praise those who do adopt children, but it just is not the right choice for us.  So, I guess that means if it does not work, then we have to put this all behind us and walk away.  If only it were that easy. 

It truly feels like we are closing one chapter and opening up a new one.  As you can probably tell, I am not hopeful that this IUI is going to work.  I have learned that being hopefull does not make a difference and not having hope has the same results as having hope, so whats the point.  I reserve the right to be miserable through this two week wait.  I know I will get my period two weeks from Tuesday which is what always happens.  I know I will have to go through another round of grieving yet another loss.  But, I will pick myself up and I will walk toward IVF and I will do whatever it takes, whatever I can, no matter what.

OOOHHHH, Thats Why!

Well, this is one reason why.  I had been trying to figure out why I was loosing control.  Last Wednesday, while laying in bed talking to my husband, it hit me.  It was the one year anniversary of the loss of our baby Jordan.  I seem to supress these anniversaries but eventually they hit me. 

To my sweet baby Jordan,

Daddy and mommy love you very much.  A day never passes that we do not think of you and your older sister Taylor.  In our back yard, because you cannot be there playing, we have planted a tree for you and your sister, in memorial.  We know you are looking down on us and praying with us to bring a live baby into this world. You will never be forgotten.

Love Always,
Mommy

Where are they?

Tears, where are the tears?  This week has been hell.  I am filled with rage and exhaustion.  There have been many occasions where I thought, "This is it, I am going to loose control today!"  I was afraid I was going to punch  a co worker, or scream obcentities at them.  But I cannot cry.  I want to cry so badly but the tears will not come. 

I am on cycle day 10.  I had an ultra sound on Tuesday and have one lead follicle on each side, both measured at 10.  For those of you who do not know what that means, they are measuring at 10 millimeters.  They need to be closer to 20 in order to be viable.  My ovaries have always been slow.  I usually take a few more days than other women for my eggs to grow.  I go back on Saturday for another ultra sound and with luck, a fourth IUI on Monday. 

I hate my full time job.  I have three jobs, but the one I spend my most time on sucks.  I hate being micromanaged.  I hate not using my brain.  I hate doing the same thing over and over again.  I hate it.  I do not know how much longer I can stand it before I do loose control and assault a co worker or scream obscenities at them and get fired.  I need the money, I like my house and do not want to loose it.  But I cannot stand this job for much longer.

I want to cry, but the tears will not come.

Research can make me scared!

I went to the Dr. yesterday.  I did not see him, I saw his nurse.  This was fine because I was just having a baseline ultrasound.  I confirmed with her that I NEVER want the other Dr. in the office with in 5 ft. of me.  She said she understood and they will respect that. 

She was a bit confused though.  The last time I spoke with R I told her I was not sure I could handle another round of clomid.  She agreed that I was not responding as I should and with my vision issues, I should probably not continue.  I spoke with the doctor a few days after speaking with R and he said, we can stop if you like, but I am not totally comfortable moving on to more invasive treatments yet. 

So, back to yesterday.  I thought long and hard, did some soul searching and decided I will do this round.  This, I think will be my last round of clomid.  I started doing more research on the vision affects.  I need to stop doing that!  I have read many conflicting stories.  Some reports say that it is serious side effect mot MOSTLY goes away after treatment.  There are those rare cases where the vision damage is permanent and one woman had to have retinal surgery.

If you know me, you know I am obsessed with side effects.  I have been on some serious medication, besides ferility meds.  I have been on Rifampin as I was exposed to TB.  I was on that for several months and it was not a fun drug.  I read the warnings on everything.   Now I am paranoid about continuing with clomid.  I took my first dose for this round last night.  I woke up this morning with the usual clomid migraine.  My vision is a bit blurry and I know it is just going to get worse.

Before I took the pills last night, I stared at them for a good 20 minutes.  I think what I am conteplating is the side effects of the medication as well as the loss of another dead end round.  I am truly struggling right now.  Part of me does not want to take my next dose.  But if I do not, then I for sure will not get pregnant this month.  All of this is really starting to wear me down.  I am starting to become numb to everything else that is going on in my life.  I still feel hurt, oh how I feel the hurt.  But I cannot seem to get out of this clomid bubble.

I want out. But I want my babies with me.  I have really been missing them lately.  Why did they have to be taken away from me?  Our first would be turning one year old in a few weeks.  Maybe that is what is triggering all of this now.  Even if I do get pregnant, there are no gaurentee's that I will carry the baby to term. 

Some days I feel like I should end this dream.  Move on.  I know it has only been a year and a half of treatments.  But it has felt like so much longer.  Maybe if I give up, it will not hurt anymore.  If I stop, will the desire to have a child disappear?

How do I stop? How do I continue?

Well, this round is a bust.  I feel like a broken record.  It seems like every month I am saying that this round did not work.  When is it going to end?  Am I just too stupid to give up?  I had told my husband about a week ago that if this round did not work, I was done. Then it did not work.  I just cannot keep hurting myself like this.   I sat and thought for a very long time.  I actually started bleeding at work, which then made me sob for a good half hour.  I thought that if I did not expect it to work this time, it would not hurt as much when it did no workt, or maybe it would work.  Well, fuck.  It still hurts like hell and it did not work.

  So now what? People often say to me, why dont you take a break cycle.  Well, I would, but my doctor says if I do then I would basically be starting all over again since I am on the highest dose of clomid right now.  Stoping means working to get my levels up all over again.  I do not know what to do.  My husband is wonderful and supports whatever I decide to do as I have to go through all the physical pain and grueling side effects.  I go to the Dr. tomorrow for a baseline ultrasound, then start clomid again tomorrow night.  I have not really decided what I want to do, I am just flying by the seat of my pants.  I will say that this has hit me really hard today.  I feel like I am falling deepr and deeper into a dark abyss and someone stole the ladder.  I know my husband is always there to come in and get me out, but I keep falling back in.

I want a baby more than I want to be able to breathe.  I want to be able to give my husband a child, his own child.  I want to be pregnant again and actually carry my baby full term.  I never knew that what that wanting this would be so hard and unobtainable.  How far do you go?  I have two more rounds on clomid.  If it does not work, then it is off to injectibles.  I am so deeply sad and so lost.

How do I stop?  How do I continue?