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Tuesday, April 20, 2010

My Retrival

Was yesterday.  It went very well.  The night before, I got little sleep.  Partly because I was visualizing and meditating.  After that I just could not stop thinking about everything.  I have to say, I am proud of myself.  I did well up until the day of the retrival. 

Throughout this process (IVF) I have worked hard to remain calm and positive.  I only had a couple of days where I had a melt down or felt really scared.  Retrival day was a bit harder.  I was excited, scared, and at times, numb.  I never thought we would have to do IVF, let alone finally get to our retrival day.  The worst part was that my surgery was scheduled at 1:50 pm, meaning I did not get to eat until last night!  Of course because I could not eat, I wanted to eat that much more.

I held it together right up until I was getting ready to walk into the surgery room.  I started to panic.  Tears streaming down my face, hubby's hand in mine.  I am not comletely sure as to why I was so upset.  Maybe because we have been working for two years to get to this point?  Maybe because this is a reality check that part of my womanhood is gone because I cannot have a child naturally with my husband.

I kissed hubby good bye and entered the room with the contraption.  The bed, slash chair, slash monster that you have to be in for this procedure is almost comical!  This is not your ordinary exam bed with stir-ups.  The monster is shorter, stir-ups are farther apart and way higher!

There were about six people in the room.  A couple of nurses, the nurse anesthetist, the doctor, and someone who was shadowing one of the nurses.  It was a small room, so it felt a bit overwhelming.  After I got into the chair and was draped in the appropriate places, this big, thick elaborate door opens up at my feet.  On the other side is the lab.  My nurse did a special knock that meant I was in place.  Then the lab did a knock back letting them know they are going to open the door.  They asked me to state my full name to verify I was who was providing eggs for them during this procedure.  Then the door was closed and I fell asleep.

I do not remember leaving the surgery room or how I got into my recovery bed.  I was in some pain.  It was not the worst pain I have been in, but it was pretty uncomfortable.  My ovaries felt like they had been in a vice and squeezed empty.  I guess they felt that way because they were emptied!  Hubby said I asked him the same question over and over again, which is normal as anesthia puts you in a state of short term memory loss.

After I woke up a bit, ate some animal crackers and sipped 7UP, they told us they got all follicles out and 9 eggs.  I was rather pleased with that number.  So was the doctor!  I was released about two hours after I had arrived with a script for Tylenol with codeine.  We came home and I feel asleep until the in laws came to babysit me while hubby went to a meeting.

I remember the evening going fairly well, a little bleeding and a lot of bloat and ovarian pain.  This morning the nurse called to go over my symptoms and how my eggs were doing.  Out of the 9, 8 fertilized with ICSI, normally.  This is a great number!  I feel very blessed to have this many embryos fighting for the chance to nuzzle into my warm thick lining and grow to be our child.

For now, we just have the twice daily PIO (progesterone in oil) injections and of course my daily meds, but no other injections!  We will find out on Friday what time our transfer is for Saturday.   All in all, myself and hubby feel great about the procedure and the outcome.  We are excited and hopefull for our transfer on Saturday!

On a side note I am upset about something.  I know there will always be a debate on when a baby becomes a life.  I believe conception is when life begins.  I do not want this blog to become a nasty debate, but simply want to share something with you.  I was on the phone with my mother in law (mil).  We were talking about how many eggs fertilazed  I said "we have eight babies growing in the incubater."  MIL said, "They are NOT babies!"   The one thing I regret is not saying anything in response to this.

I am so angry that even mil would say something like that.  If a person who has gone through two years of inferitlity, two miscarriages, just did IVF says she has babies incubating, you do NOT say to that person that they are not babies.  You just DONT!  Yes, she has the right to her own views, but she does not have the right to push them on me, and say it in an inappropriate manner.

I do have eight babies in the incubater.  I also have two daughters in heaven.  No one can tell me differently.    Another thing that bothers me is what my mother said.   I told her what mil said and she was a bit put off by that.  She said "I am octo grandma!"  I thought it was funny, but was grateful she understood that to me, those are my babies.  Then she said "But you are not attached to them yet."  Excuse me?  Do not tell me how I feel about my embryos.  They came out of me and my husbands sperm was injected into them.  Yes, I am attached to them .  Each little baby is growing, multiplying, just as it would if it were inside of me right now.  If it were inside of me, no one would question being attached to it.  Well, yes they would .  There are people who feel you do not get to count a miscarriage if it happens under 12 weeks.  But, you get my point.

People need to learn to shut up!  You do not get to tell me my babies are not real, that I am not attached, that IVF is not natural.  You know nothing until you have walked in my shoes.

Oh... and on Saturday, when they transfer two of those babies to the inside of my uterus, I will be pregnant.  They may not make it, but those babies will be inside of me, trying to grow.  If it happened naturally, no one would fight me on this!

*I do not write this blog to hurt my family members or anyone else.  I write it to cope and to prepare for my book.  My purpose in life is to help raise awareness of miscarriage and infertility and the psychology behind it all.  My family consist of "those" who do not understand.  I love them still, and do not have ill will towards them.*


  1. I'm glad the retrieval went well. Nine, that's great! Sorry, to hear your MIL's closed mindedness, its hard to find anyone who really understands IF except your IF sisters. Wishing you all the best for Saturday.

  2. UGH I just posted a big comment and it didn't post! :( ANYWAY...I can't believe that, I feel any WOMAN would feel like how you are feeling. Those are babies!!!!! And yes you have an attachement to them. The minute I found out about Calvin there was an attachment. I started bleeding within two days and the feelings that overwhelmed me.....hello! BABIES! I wish you all the luck, I know it has to be hard espeically dealign with family and people that haven't had to deal with anything like this before, but still I can't believe how much people say, I'd rather hear silence than a something dumb. You guys are in my prayers!

  3. Thanks ladies! And thanks for reading!

  4. Jeni~
    I just read thru your blog...I can not imagine what you are going thru. You are so courageous for sharing your story. I thank you for opening my eyes to infertility. You are in my prayers...I pray that everything goes well this Saturday.

  5. The Mays'

    Thank you for your comment and for reading! I hope that I can reach one person with my blog and my experience. If I can change one fertile persons perspective on us infertiles, I will have reached my goal.