My fellows If’ers know what I am talking about. Every time I go to the bathroom, I am looking for blood. I am constantly worried whenever I pee, expecting that horrible red devil on the toilet paper after every wipe. It really is ironic how we spend the majority of our teens and young adult lives praying for the red devil to appear. We beg god to prevent pregnancy until we are ready and now I am begging him to make me pregnant. Sometimes I wonder if this is my repentance. “You will have miscarriages and bleed because I gave you the red devil when did the selfish deed.” That was god speaking by the way. Maybe it is just my guilt.
I realize I am supposed to be calm and Zen during this wait. How do you become Zen when you have lost two babies, gone through four IUI’s and just completed your first fresh cycle of IVF? I try to be calm, and most of the day I am. However, I go through spurts throughout the day that I am anxious. Then it is time to pee, yet again, and continue with Blood Watch 2010.
With every twinge my ovaries take
With every cramp my uterus makes
I pray everyday for their sake
A good mother I think I will be
I cannot wait to have them with me
-Jhope2010 Copyright All Rights Reserved
How crazy is it that just four days ago I had embryos placed inside of my uterus and I am already three weeks and three days pregnant. !