The begining of our Struggle

June 17, 2008. Our 2nd wedding anniversary. My sweet, handsome, amazing husband and I went out to eat at the restaurant we went to the day we got engaged. I was feeling kind of "funny"and I said to my husband "I think we need to buy a test on the way home". My husband said, okay, fine, but you are not pregnant.

I do not get a period, unless I am on birth control, or the doctor makes me. A couple of months prior, around April, I was seeing a new OB/GYN. She took me off the pill because she thought I had high blood pressure. No matter how hard I tried to convince her I did not (I have white coat syndrome, always have, always will) she refused. So, I had been taking a pregnancy test one a month, just in case, even though we knew I would probably have difficulty getting pregnant. We never new how difficult it would be.

Once we were home, I took the pregnancy test, never expecting anything to happen. It immediately turned positive! We were both totally freaked! We were not planning, we were not ready, we were really scared. It took us about a day to come to realize what was really happening, and we started to get very happy. We made a baby! We were going to be parents. Our love made something, another human being.

So, we told our parents and I went to the doctor(a different OB, one that would listen to me). She thought I was around 8 weeks along, based on when I stopped the pill. Everything looked good! So we scheduled an ultra sound. The U/S showed that I was only about 4-5 weeks along. So, they said come back in a week.

We did, and found out that there was no heartbeat, no living baby in my uterus. I remember just looking at my husband, with such uncertainty. I told the tech, "it looks bigger than last week, it is different." She said, "well, I am not a doctor, but your baby is dead." I hated her and demanded to speak to a doctor. She would not let me, said no one was available.

So Trevor (my husband) and I had to wait a whole weekend before we could see my doctor. I was sent to take a blood test to check my levels, and it was confirmed. On the following Monday my doctor confirmed that I was miscarrying. She held me while I cried, and was just there. She was amazing. She took the time to answer all of our questions in real terms. Made sure we understood. We decided to schedule a D and C because my body was not taking care of things on its own.

D and C day is what I call Dooms Day. It was awful. They gave us a paper to sign. We had to decide if we wanted a funeral or if we wanted the hospital to handle the remains. I was so confused, I did not want to see our baby like that. So , I choose to have the hospital take care of it. The surgery went well, and I was back to work the next day.

The doctor gave us a referral to a brilliant Reproductive Endocrinologist because thought I had PCOS, or polycystic ovarian syndrome. But we needed time, we needed to heal, so we did what we could to move on with our lives.