8 Weeks Pregnant

January 2008. I am at this point, definitely feeling pregnant. I am nauseous morning, noon, and night. My boobs are so sore they make me cry. My mood is very unpredictable and most should just stay away! The bottomless pit of hunger controls my life and I am up at least twice a night to pee! I could not be happier!

At week 8 we go back to the RE's office for an ultrasound. Trevor and I were absolutely crazed with nervousness. We see on the screen this pulsating figure. The doctor explains that this is the pregnancy and the heartbeat is great! I made him tripple check for more than one! One of Clomids side effects is multiples. Kate, from John and Kate was on clomid and we know what happend there! But he confirms there is just one and we are released from his care and now into the care of my OB.

Week 10 is here. I have my first OB appointment for this pregnancy. It was Tuesday morning. The doctor does her thing and tells me everything looks fine. She then tries to hear the heartbeat, but warns me that it is still early and we may not hear it yet. She searched and searched, closing her eyes with concentration. But, no luck. The Dr. again assured me this is normal and I am healthy and the baby is doing well. She has me schedule an ultrasound for Friday and sends me on my way.

I go to work for the reminder of the day, feeling great. I get home and have a nice evening with my husband. We are so excited we stay up a bit later talking about the baby. Everything finally seems to be falling into place. But if you know us, you know that would not happen. Our luck is not that great.
**Disclaimer** The next portion is gory, disgusting, and heartbreaking**

At 2 am I woke up to pee. I felt fine. Nothing out of the ordinary. Once I sit on the toilet the blood gushes out of me. I looked down and instantly knew that I was loosing this baby. I screamed for Trevor and kept saying "not again, not again, this cannot be happening again." I cannot go through this again. Trevor immediately calls the Dr. She calls us back in less than one minute. I have now moved from the toilet to the bath tub because the blood just keeps coming. Including big, thick blood clots and tissue. I kept thinking, maybe its just from the exam today. I feel no pain, I have no cramps, this should not be happening. Then, while my husband is on the phone with my doctor, I delivered our baby in the bathtub.

That baby had a head, little arms and legs, a heart. I saw it in the sac, I held it in my hands. My heart disappeared. I knew at that moment it was over. My life was over. I have failed myself and my husband again. I lost this baby. Afer the doctor calmed me down and gave me instructions and told me if I am bleeding through more than one pad per hour, I need to rush to the ER. If not, I see her in the am. I was hysterical. I was crying so hard I was hyperventilating. The only thing that calmed me was my doctor telling me that if I do not calm down and I cannot breath, I have to go to the hospital. I kept asking her, is there still a chance? Even though I knew I was holding my baby in my hand. I hand the baby over to my husband and I to this day do not know what happend with baby Jordan. I could not handle it, he had to take care of it.

As soon as I cleaned myself up and got back into bed, I physically felt empty, my uterus was completly empty. I could feel that the baby was no longer inside of me. I knew it was over. I knew I would never heal from this. I knew this was going to push me over the edge.

The next morning, the ultra sound confirmed there was nothing left in my Uterus. I had infact delivered our baby in the bathtub at 10 weeks gestation. There are no words to describe this pain.