Yes I a pregnant. Yes, I am having twins. Yes I have heard both heartbeats. No, I will never forget what it took to get here, nor will I forget that it can all be taken away in less than a heartbeat. I still have my days where I am sad. I always will. I will never get over the loss of my previous babies.
Most people do not understand that. Often people say to me, "Well, you are pregnant now, so why are you not ecstatic?" Seriously? Why? I will tell you why! I lost two babies. I went through a year of infertility treatments with no positive outcome. And then I had to sell my soul to go through the horrible road of IVF.
Yes IVF did work on the first try and I am so thankful. But until you have walked in my shoes, do not ask me why I am not jumping up and down! When I hold my twins in my arms, you bet, I will jump!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
I am MIA
I have been captured by the porcelain gods and expect to be in their care for a few more weeks. I will say that I was able to hear both babies heartbeats last Friday. It was the most amazing sound I have ever heard. I will be back, once I can keep my head up for more than 15 minutes without being summoned by the gods once again.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Week 6
I am six weeks and 2 days pregnant. I have spent the last five days in bed with severe stomach pain. I was able to go to work today. I went to the Dr. yesterday for a u/s and everything is fine, they are not sure why I am having so much pain. What a scary few days. Yesterday before my appointment I had a meltdown. I was in the kitchen and my sister was visiting. I started sobbing uncontrollably.
This u/s was to see if there was a heartbeat. Normally a woman would be excited. I was terrified. What if there is no heartbeat? After two years of pain and loss what if we end up losing again? I always new that there were no promises but it was really starting to feel unfair.
The appointment went well, and we are having twins! One sac is a bit smaller than the other 5mm to 4.7mm. The Dr. said that it is possible to loose the smaller one, but they both had heartbeats so everything looks good for now. I am worried for the little one. I want everything to be ok. I am frustrated that nothing can be easy. Cant I just have a normal pregnancy and have both babies be healthy? Is that too much to ask for?
So, we wait and I rest and take are of myself and try to manage going to work feeling so bad. I will keep you all posted. Thank you so much for your prayers and kind words!
This u/s was to see if there was a heartbeat. Normally a woman would be excited. I was terrified. What if there is no heartbeat? After two years of pain and loss what if we end up losing again? I always new that there were no promises but it was really starting to feel unfair.
The appointment went well, and we are having twins! One sac is a bit smaller than the other 5mm to 4.7mm. The Dr. said that it is possible to loose the smaller one, but they both had heartbeats so everything looks good for now. I am worried for the little one. I want everything to be ok. I am frustrated that nothing can be easy. Cant I just have a normal pregnancy and have both babies be healthy? Is that too much to ask for?
So, we wait and I rest and take are of myself and try to manage going to work feeling so bad. I will keep you all posted. Thank you so much for your prayers and kind words!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
I am here, I did not forget you all
Hi bloggers! I have been gone awhile. Not because I have forgotten my friends, just because I have been so tired and sick lately! I hope you all are doing well. Things have been okay around here. Besides all day sickness, which I am thrilled about! And there is the constant exhaustion yay! I really could not be happier about my horrible symptoms!
Of course I am just as scared as excited. I still do the blood watch every bathroom visit. I am not sure if I will ever feel safe in pregnancy. I am hoping by week 13 or 14 I will feel better. I find out next week how many babes are in there. I feel like there are two because I am sicker this time around, and I just have a feeling. I know being sicker could just mean a healthier baby, but I hope there are two.
I know it sounds greedy, but I want to be done. I do not want to do IVF again, I want to move on and live my life and build my family. Even though I am pregnant, not a day goes by that I do not think or feel the pain of the journey to get here. I always had a hard time with women how went through infertility and when the got pregnant they just disappeared. I realize you are thrilled and busy with a new baby, but what about all those other women who supported you while you were going through the horrible times?
I vow never to become one who disappears and no longer is there to support other women. The pain of miscarriage and this whole process never goes away. It may get better once you have a baby, but it will always be a part of me. I may be on and off blogger over the next few months, just because I am feeling so sick! But I am always thinking of you, and pray that you are doing well and things are going your way. I appreciate all of your support.
Of course I am just as scared as excited. I still do the blood watch every bathroom visit. I am not sure if I will ever feel safe in pregnancy. I am hoping by week 13 or 14 I will feel better. I find out next week how many babes are in there. I feel like there are two because I am sicker this time around, and I just have a feeling. I know being sicker could just mean a healthier baby, but I hope there are two.
I know it sounds greedy, but I want to be done. I do not want to do IVF again, I want to move on and live my life and build my family. Even though I am pregnant, not a day goes by that I do not think or feel the pain of the journey to get here. I always had a hard time with women how went through infertility and when the got pregnant they just disappeared. I realize you are thrilled and busy with a new baby, but what about all those other women who supported you while you were going through the horrible times?
I vow never to become one who disappears and no longer is there to support other women. The pain of miscarriage and this whole process never goes away. It may get better once you have a baby, but it will always be a part of me. I may be on and off blogger over the next few months, just because I am feeling so sick! But I am always thinking of you, and pray that you are doing well and things are going your way. I appreciate all of your support.
Monday, May 3, 2010
It's Official
I am pregnant! I got my second beta today and it jumped from 41.7 on Friday to 157 today! Could not be happier! I am still very nervous as we know that I have not carried past 10 weeks, but I feel good about this one. I go back in two weeks for my ultrasound and hopefully there are two little heart beats flickering away!
Saturday I started getting sick. Today the exhaustion as hit in. I am four weeks along. I think with each milestone I will feel safer. Then again, do you ever feel safe after miscarriage? Time will tell. I want to thank all of you who have supported me along the way. I am not leaving, and just because I am pregnant does not mean I am infertile and I will not stop fighting for this issue.
I know from personal experience that it is hard to see fellow infertiles become pregnant. Even though we are happy for one another when we become pregnant, it still hurts if we are not. I understand that, so do not be afraid to be angry at me or feel like you need to distance yourself. I understand.
I will continue to blog on infertility as well as keep you all posted on my pregnancy. I have also been accepted to write for the Chicago Examiner, which is an online newspaper. Once my page is set up I will share it with you all.
Thank You!
Saturday I started getting sick. Today the exhaustion as hit in. I am four weeks along. I think with each milestone I will feel safer. Then again, do you ever feel safe after miscarriage? Time will tell. I want to thank all of you who have supported me along the way. I am not leaving, and just because I am pregnant does not mean I am infertile and I will not stop fighting for this issue.
I know from personal experience that it is hard to see fellow infertiles become pregnant. Even though we are happy for one another when we become pregnant, it still hurts if we are not. I understand that, so do not be afraid to be angry at me or feel like you need to distance yourself. I understand.
I will continue to blog on infertility as well as keep you all posted on my pregnancy. I have also been accepted to write for the Chicago Examiner, which is an online newspaper. Once my page is set up I will share it with you all.
Thank You!
Friday, April 30, 2010
Last Day of National Infertiity Week and my clinic did WHAT?
I have to admit, I was feeling a bit guilty for not doing more for this special week. As you all now, I had two embryos transplanted a week ago, so that has kept my mind preoccupied. I did make sure to continually update my facebook status to spread the message, but I did not really act. Well, until today!
I have a confession. On Tuesday, I started POAS (peeing on a stick). I did this on Tuesday evening, Wednesday morning and evening, and Thursday morning. I knew it was way too early, but for infertiles it is one of those things. I was okay with the negatives, as I knew it was early. I came home on Thursday evening and had one more test left. I thought "What the heck?" It was positive. I was shocked! Again, I realize it is early. But, in 12 hours from getting a third negative, a positive.
Hubby and I decided we should get more tests just to make sure more are showing positive so it was not some weird fluke. I took two more last night and one this morning and they were all positive. The one this morning popped up with in 30 seconds. I will be four weeks on Tuesday.
Because of this news, I started to freak a bit. I have a blood clotting disorder that I did not know about with my last pregnancy and lost the baby. Once I saw that positive, the first thing I thought was I have to call the Dr. and get on Luvenox, which is a blood thinner that the Dr. was going to put me on after my first positive beta.
I called my clinic and asked to speak to a nurse. Instead of a nurse they gave my call to one of the medical assistants (no offense to anyone is an MA). I have dealt with this MA before and her name is Tracy. I had told the receptionist why I was calling and she told Tracy. The first thing she said was "Jenifer, you know you are not to test. There are reasons for this. A urine test is telling you nothing. I am not even going to tell the Dr. that you called." I lost it! This bitch! I started getting upset and said, "You cannot understand what it is like to loose two babies and now have an understanding of why. I will do anything and everything to keep these babies safe. I will not loose another one because I am not being heard." I livid! I explained to her again, I have a blood clotting disorder; I have taken three negative tests but now have four positives. I just want the luvenox. I even explained that I understand that it could be a strange false positive, but what is the harm of giving me a blood thinner to ease my mind? My original beta is on Tuesday, just four days away.
Again, I understand that it is ridiculously early. But, I just knew I was pregnant and I WILL do whatever I have to do keep these babies safe. Yes I keep saying babies, I think its twins. SO, I told Tracy thanks anyway, I will be calling my OB because she will actually listen to me. Then I hung up!
I was actually driving to work during this call and because I was hysterical I called my mom. I was able to calm myself down, I did pull over. Ten minutes later, Tracy called me back. She told me I can come in for an early beta but I must understand it could be negative. I said that is fine. I just want to be safe. So off I went. I was still pretty ticked off. One of the other medical assistants took me back and drew my blood. I asked to speak with her privately to voice my concerns.
I explained to her that all Tracy would have to of said to me was that waiting four days is not going to cause a blood clot. Instead, she was callous, abrupt, and rude. All I want is to protect my babies. Why is that so hard to understand? Lorita, the MA I was talking with, understood and said she would have handled it differently and who cares if you need to come in for an early beta to ease your nerves? She said that she would want to start the medication immediately as well.
With that conversation, I felt a bit of hope. This is not the first time I have had a negative experience with this office. If my Dr. were not the best of the best, I would have left along time ago. The staff that works in my clinic has never experienced infertility or miscarriage in their own lives. I know this because I ask. I truly feel that if you have not been through it, and you cannot be empathetic, and then get out! How dare you not listen to my concerns? How dare you treat me like a child? Who do you think you are, as a MA, to decide that my concerns to not warrant alerting the Dr?
So I fought today. And I won! I got my beta, and it was positive. That positive was such a great piece of "I TOLD YOU SO!!!" Medicine and science can never make up for a mothers intuition. And the fact that this is National Infertility Awareness Week and my clinic did not even know. They did not treat me with respect, they did not allow me my rights to my Dr. Instead, they shut me down, made me feel stupid and irrational, and reminded me once again how even in the reproductive medicine world, they too are insensitive and just plain do not get it. I fought for myself, and I feel like I fought for all of you. We deserve answers; we deserve to be listened to. Our fears are real and should NEVER be made minuscule.
I have a confession. On Tuesday, I started POAS (peeing on a stick). I did this on Tuesday evening, Wednesday morning and evening, and Thursday morning. I knew it was way too early, but for infertiles it is one of those things. I was okay with the negatives, as I knew it was early. I came home on Thursday evening and had one more test left. I thought "What the heck?" It was positive. I was shocked! Again, I realize it is early. But, in 12 hours from getting a third negative, a positive.
Hubby and I decided we should get more tests just to make sure more are showing positive so it was not some weird fluke. I took two more last night and one this morning and they were all positive. The one this morning popped up with in 30 seconds. I will be four weeks on Tuesday.
Because of this news, I started to freak a bit. I have a blood clotting disorder that I did not know about with my last pregnancy and lost the baby. Once I saw that positive, the first thing I thought was I have to call the Dr. and get on Luvenox, which is a blood thinner that the Dr. was going to put me on after my first positive beta.
I called my clinic and asked to speak to a nurse. Instead of a nurse they gave my call to one of the medical assistants (no offense to anyone is an MA). I have dealt with this MA before and her name is Tracy. I had told the receptionist why I was calling and she told Tracy. The first thing she said was "Jenifer, you know you are not to test. There are reasons for this. A urine test is telling you nothing. I am not even going to tell the Dr. that you called." I lost it! This bitch! I started getting upset and said, "You cannot understand what it is like to loose two babies and now have an understanding of why. I will do anything and everything to keep these babies safe. I will not loose another one because I am not being heard." I livid! I explained to her again, I have a blood clotting disorder; I have taken three negative tests but now have four positives. I just want the luvenox. I even explained that I understand that it could be a strange false positive, but what is the harm of giving me a blood thinner to ease my mind? My original beta is on Tuesday, just four days away.
Again, I understand that it is ridiculously early. But, I just knew I was pregnant and I WILL do whatever I have to do keep these babies safe. Yes I keep saying babies, I think its twins. SO, I told Tracy thanks anyway, I will be calling my OB because she will actually listen to me. Then I hung up!
I was actually driving to work during this call and because I was hysterical I called my mom. I was able to calm myself down, I did pull over. Ten minutes later, Tracy called me back. She told me I can come in for an early beta but I must understand it could be negative. I said that is fine. I just want to be safe. So off I went. I was still pretty ticked off. One of the other medical assistants took me back and drew my blood. I asked to speak with her privately to voice my concerns.
I explained to her that all Tracy would have to of said to me was that waiting four days is not going to cause a blood clot. Instead, she was callous, abrupt, and rude. All I want is to protect my babies. Why is that so hard to understand? Lorita, the MA I was talking with, understood and said she would have handled it differently and who cares if you need to come in for an early beta to ease your nerves? She said that she would want to start the medication immediately as well.
With that conversation, I felt a bit of hope. This is not the first time I have had a negative experience with this office. If my Dr. were not the best of the best, I would have left along time ago. The staff that works in my clinic has never experienced infertility or miscarriage in their own lives. I know this because I ask. I truly feel that if you have not been through it, and you cannot be empathetic, and then get out! How dare you not listen to my concerns? How dare you treat me like a child? Who do you think you are, as a MA, to decide that my concerns to not warrant alerting the Dr?
So I fought today. And I won! I got my beta, and it was positive. That positive was such a great piece of "I TOLD YOU SO!!!" Medicine and science can never make up for a mothers intuition. And the fact that this is National Infertility Awareness Week and my clinic did not even know. They did not treat me with respect, they did not allow me my rights to my Dr. Instead, they shut me down, made me feel stupid and irrational, and reminded me once again how even in the reproductive medicine world, they too are insensitive and just plain do not get it. I fought for myself, and I feel like I fought for all of you. We deserve answers; we deserve to be listened to. Our fears are real and should NEVER be made minuscule.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
The Blood Watch
My fellows If’ers know what I am talking about. Every time I go to the bathroom, I am looking for blood. I am constantly worried whenever I pee, expecting that horrible red devil on the toilet paper after every wipe. It really is ironic how we spend the majority of our teens and young adult lives praying for the red devil to appear. We beg god to prevent pregnancy until we are ready and now I am begging him to make me pregnant. Sometimes I wonder if this is my repentance. “You will have miscarriages and bleed because I gave you the red devil when did the selfish deed.” That was god speaking by the way. Maybe it is just my guilt.
I realize I am supposed to be calm and Zen during this wait. How do you become Zen when you have lost two babies, gone through four IUI’s and just completed your first fresh cycle of IVF? I try to be calm, and most of the day I am. However, I go through spurts throughout the day that I am anxious. Then it is time to pee, yet again, and continue with Blood Watch 2010.
With every twinge my ovaries take
With every cramp my uterus makes
I pray everyday for their sake
A good mother I think I will be
I cannot wait to have them with me
-Jhope2010 Copyright All Rights Reserved
How crazy is it that just four days ago I had embryos placed inside of my uterus and I am already three weeks and three days pregnant. !
I realize I am supposed to be calm and Zen during this wait. How do you become Zen when you have lost two babies, gone through four IUI’s and just completed your first fresh cycle of IVF? I try to be calm, and most of the day I am. However, I go through spurts throughout the day that I am anxious. Then it is time to pee, yet again, and continue with Blood Watch 2010.
With every twinge my ovaries take
With every cramp my uterus makes
I pray everyday for their sake
A good mother I think I will be
I cannot wait to have them with me
-Jhope2010 Copyright All Rights Reserved
How crazy is it that just four days ago I had embryos placed inside of my uterus and I am already three weeks and three days pregnant. !
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