My Retrival

Was yesterday.  It went very well.  The night before, I got little sleep.  Partly because I was visualizing and meditating.  After that I just could not stop thinking about everything.  I have to say, I am proud of myself.  I did well up until the day of the retrival. 

Throughout this process (IVF) I have worked hard to remain calm and positive.  I only had a couple of days where I had a melt down or felt really scared.  Retrival day was a bit harder.  I was excited, scared, and at times, numb.  I never thought we would have to do IVF, let alone finally get to our retrival day.  The worst part was that my surgery was scheduled at 1:50 pm, meaning I did not get to eat until last night!  Of course because I could not eat, I wanted to eat that much more.

I held it together right up until I was getting ready to walk into the surgery room.  I started to panic.  Tears streaming down my face, hubby's hand in mine.  I am not comletely sure as to why I was so upset.  Maybe because we have been working for two years to get to this point?  Maybe because this is a reality check that part of my womanhood is gone because I cannot have a child naturally with my husband.

I kissed hubby good bye and entered the room with the contraption.  The bed, slash chair, slash monster that you have to be in for this procedure is almost comical!  This is not your ordinary exam bed with stir-ups.  The monster is shorter, stir-ups are farther apart and way higher!

There were about six people in the room.  A couple of nurses, the nurse anesthetist, the doctor, and someone who was shadowing one of the nurses.  It was a small room, so it felt a bit overwhelming.  After I got into the chair and was draped in the appropriate places, this big, thick elaborate door opens up at my feet.  On the other side is the lab.  My nurse did a special knock that meant I was in place.  Then the lab did a knock back letting them know they are going to open the door.  They asked me to state my full name to verify I was who was providing eggs for them during this procedure.  Then the door was closed and I fell asleep.

I do not remember leaving the surgery room or how I got into my recovery bed.  I was in some pain.  It was not the worst pain I have been in, but it was pretty uncomfortable.  My ovaries felt like they had been in a vice and squeezed empty.  I guess they felt that way because they were emptied!  Hubby said I asked him the same question over and over again, which is normal as anesthia puts you in a state of short term memory loss.

After I woke up a bit, ate some animal crackers and sipped 7UP, they told us they got all follicles out and 9 eggs.  I was rather pleased with that number.  So was the doctor!  I was released about two hours after I had arrived with a script for Tylenol with codeine.  We came home and I feel asleep until the in laws came to babysit me while hubby went to a meeting.

I remember the evening going fairly well, a little bleeding and a lot of bloat and ovarian pain.  This morning the nurse called to go over my symptoms and how my eggs were doing.  Out of the 9, 8 fertilized with ICSI, normally.  This is a great number!  I feel very blessed to have this many embryos fighting for the chance to nuzzle into my warm thick lining and grow to be our child.

For now, we just have the twice daily PIO (progesterone in oil) injections and of course my daily meds, but no other injections!  We will find out on Friday what time our transfer is for Saturday.   All in all, myself and hubby feel great about the procedure and the outcome.  We are excited and hopefull for our transfer on Saturday!

On a side note I am upset about something.  I know there will always be a debate on when a baby becomes a life.  I believe conception is when life begins.  I do not want this blog to become a nasty debate, but simply want to share something with you.  I was on the phone with my mother in law (mil).  We were talking about how many eggs fertilazed  I said "we have eight babies growing in the incubater."  MIL said, "They are NOT babies!"   The one thing I regret is not saying anything in response to this.

I am so angry that even mil would say something like that.  If a person who has gone through two years of inferitlity, two miscarriages, just did IVF says she has babies incubating, you do NOT say to that person that they are not babies.  You just DONT!  Yes, she has the right to her own views, but she does not have the right to push them on me, and say it in an inappropriate manner.

I do have eight babies in the incubater.  I also have two daughters in heaven.  No one can tell me differently.    Another thing that bothers me is what my mother said.   I told her what mil said and she was a bit put off by that.  She said "I am octo grandma!"  I thought it was funny, but was grateful she understood that to me, those are my babies.  Then she said "But you are not attached to them yet."  Excuse me?  Do not tell me how I feel about my embryos.  They came out of me and my husbands sperm was injected into them.  Yes, I am attached to them .  Each little baby is growing, multiplying, just as it would if it were inside of me right now.  If it were inside of me, no one would question being attached to it.  Well, yes they would .  There are people who feel you do not get to count a miscarriage if it happens under 12 weeks.  But, you get my point.

People need to learn to shut up!  You do not get to tell me my babies are not real, that I am not attached, that IVF is not natural.  You know nothing until you have walked in my shoes.

Oh... and on Saturday, when they transfer two of those babies to the inside of my uterus, I will be pregnant.  They may not make it, but those babies will be inside of me, trying to grow.  If it happened naturally, no one would fight me on this!

*I do not write this blog to hurt my family members or anyone else.  I write it to cope and to prepare for my book.  My purpose in life is to help raise awareness of miscarriage and infertility and the psychology behind it all.  My family consist of "those" who do not understand.  I love them still, and do not have ill will towards them.*

24 Follies!

No wonder I have felt like there is a grape fruit on either side of my uterus the past couple of days!  I have also had the WORST migraine the last two days.  I stayed home from work again today.  Just going to my Dr. appointment really took it out of me.  I am forcing myself to go to work tomorrow.

Dr. R has changed my meds a bit.  I lower my follistem to 75 iu and add one vial of menapur each night.  I am really starting to want this over with.  The wait is killing me!  I know once it is over I have the ttw but at least we will get to that point.

I am trying very hard to take it one day at a time.  For those who know me personally, you know I am an anxious person normally.  So going through this is rough, but suprisingly, I have stayed calm until these last few days.  I go back to the Dr. on Thursday for another monitoring appointment.  I am hoping he tells me we are ready to go.  I am exicted to be stim and lupron free!  Not so excited for the PIO shots though!

What mile is this?

Ugh, I have no idea.   I have lost count on what mile we are on.  I have given myself three follistem injections and I am sick!  I have a headache, my ovaries hurt, and I want to puke!  I am good if I am laying down but once I sit up or walk around, I get a bit dizzy at times as well.  I have cut my lupron dose down to half.

I know all of these side effects are normal, but because I have PCOS, my change of getting OHSS is higher.  I go to the doctor tomorrow to see how the eggies are doing and see what the next step is.  It will probably be to continue on for a couple more days and then get checked again.  My ovaries are typically slower on the meds than other woman.  It takes me  a few more days to get where I should be.  I am hoping that due to the way I feel, the meds are working.

It becomes more real everyday.  I mean, hubby and I know what we are doing, but it does not seem real until you actually go through the steps.  The what if's are starting to come up.  What if I do get OHSS and my transfer is canceled.  What if it does not work...that is the one that hurts the most.  How will I react if it does not work?  How will I find the strength to do this again?  I realize that not all women have a baby after one round of IVF.  But, some do.  You never know where you will fall into place.

Anyone out there?

I seem to have a lull in comments lately, and wanted to know if my story is getting boring?  Or maybe my writing skills have declined while I am on these crazy injections.  Or maybe it is all in my head because the injections make me loose my mind?  Or maybe I offended someone with my beliefs or opinions.  Or maybe it is because it is starting to get nice out and people are not blogging as much?

Whatever it is, I never meant to offend anyone, what I write is my opinion and my take on research and what not.  So I hope you keep reading, and keep commenting, because getting your opinions and advice are very important to me! :)

Mile 15 On Our First IVF Cycle

I am so tired of always having to choose to have a job or to have a child.  I had a meeting with HR today, which went really well and everything is fine.  But, before the meeting, I was nervous and it made me angry.  Why do women have to choose one or the other?  I cannot help that I have PCOS, and infertility.  I cannot help that the medciations make me ill at times.  I cannot help that due to my disease, I have to be monitored every week and sometimes multiple times a week.

I love my husband more than anything on this earth and would do anything for him as well.  However, he does not have to choose work or a baby either .  I have no ill will towards him, my ill will is towards society.  When will this country value family?  If I got pregnant the "natural" way and carried to term, no one would even notice.  But because I cannot and I have to go through serious medical treatment, I am put into jeopardy between choosing to have a baby or choosing my job.

My choice will always be to have a baby.  My husband knows that, and my employer knows that.  Thank god my current employer is not  making this an issue.  I am truly blessed with that, even though I hate my job!  But my previous employer and other women have gone through similar issues with employers.  If I had cancer and had to have treatment, no one would think twice.  But infertility is not viewed as a medical condition.  The need to have a child is not just desire, it is NEED!  It is a biological neccessity.   Yes, there are some woman who do not have that maternal instinct, but I do.

I am so frustrated and angry at this countries values! I will finish my book and get this  message across.  Society needs a big change on this issue!  My insurance covers part of my treatment, does'nt that make it a medical issue?

Mile 14 On Our First IVF Cycle

Today was rough, just because it was the first day back from work, and it was a 10 hr day.  I also got a little scare.  Most of you know that I was "fired" for having my second miscarriage when I worked for a community mental health center, working as a therapist and case manager.

Today I received an email from HR stating that I have a scheduled meeting to talk about my absences.  When I first took this job, I spoke with my manager and told her about my infertility and said bluntly that if they were not willing to work with me on the time I will be away, that I would have to find other employment.  My manager at the time was wonderful and told me that she believes that she was put on this earth to be a mother and would do anything to do so.  She told me not to worry, I will not get fired for missing work for medical reasons.

That boss is now the director of my department.  The email I received from HR sent be back to the way I was treated at my previous employer.  You can read my previous blogs about the treatment I received when I first got pregnant and thereafter.    I emailed my former boss, now director and asked her what was going on.  I stated that she had told me everything was ok and I was not in danger of losing my job.  She told me she spoke with my now manager who was the assistant.  I went and saw him and he said it is just a formality and they want some documentation about my treatment, but I am in no danger of being fired.

I can understand needing documentation, and have no problem with that. However, I always provide my manager with this.  My manager stated that HR legally has to do this when someone has dock time but cannot fire me due to medical reasons.  So, I have the meeting tomorrow, and I am a little nervous, but know that I am ok.

No matter what happens, my husband and I talked this out before I started this job and agreed that these treatments were more important than anything else and it is worth the risk.   But I still have to put food on the table.  I am trying not to be stressed about this, and am no longer freaking out, but it did take the wind out of me for a bit!

As for the side effects, I have started my period, which the DR. said may happen.  And of course it is a bad one!  Cramps, bloat, tired, sore everywhere!  But I can handle it.  Nothing I have not done before.

Back from Florida

We are now on mile 13 of our first IVF cycle.  Hubby and I had a wonderful time in Cocoa Beach, FL.  It was just what we needed.  I will say that a vacation while on lupron injections is interesting!  I did have some side effects, but I did not let those get in our way.  I had moderate stomach pains on and off, bruising on my abdomen, hot flashes, breast tenderness, joint pain, and insomnia. 

I have been getting really good at giving myself injections in strange places!  For three days we went to Disney, the other three days we spent on the beach.  While at The Magic Kingdom, we were waiting for the fireworks to start.  There I sat in a crowd of strangers and shot time came around.  Hubby used his cell phone light so I could prepare the shot and myself.  I lifted up my shirt, exposing my belly and plugged away.  I really do not think anyone noticed.  But, it hit me that we truly will do anything to have a baby!

I have suprisingly been calm during this two weeks of lupron.  I start my stimulation injections later this week, while lowering my lupron dose to half.  We are about two to three weeks away from the first surgery, depending on my ovaries.  I am hopeful some days, and other days I am just in plain denial.

Work tomorrow.  Ugh!  A Monday after vacation is going to be rough!